THE LOWEST OF ALL LOWS

In the 53 years of my existence, there have been high and lows. There was that time that it involved marital problems. In 2019, there was that hard decision of resigning from a local company.

It was a tough decision considering that I had been there since 2010. But with shots fired from all directions, it came to a point where my sanity was being affected. Regardless if I was only working as a journalist or content creator, somehow it was something that many mistook as a threat.

It took me about a year to recover from that hard decision, leaving a place that I had already considered home. But somehow, I managed to survive the waves by taking on work-from-home jobs. There were people who helped, especially my dad and a good friend who is ironically the younger brother of the publication I worked for.

Ironically, the pandemic hit at that time. Somehow, I was able to weather adversity since I had been used to working online and earning a living. To this day I wonder, how was I able to weather these storms?

THE OPPORTUNITY DURING COVID-19

In 2021, I was given the chance to become and editor for a local government station. I took on it wholeheartedly. I had the experience although it covered hard news. It was a learning experience for me, something that I embraced.

About a year later, I got elevated to a higher position, editor-in-chief. I was surprised and really had no ambition at the time to lead again.

That went on and by mid 2022, there was a chance to handle another department, PTV Sports. It was something I always wanted since this is where I am best known. But unknown to me, it was also something that would place me in a precarious position – be with the sharks once more who wanted to see me fail.

On cue, there were people who saw me rise again. And this time, they were up to their old ways of putting me down.

I was able to rise to the challenge. But as most know, anything will come to the point where they will catch up. That has apparently happened.

Being in a government institution, I know how it works. There were people who get jealous of you and others who are targeting your position. 

Image by NoName_13 from Pixabay

 

DEALING WITH EX-FRIENDS

One person, someone who I thought was a good friend is one of them. Apparently, he has ambitions and the “friendship” would take a back seat. In all, I was no longer a friend but someone he needed to take down to get his dream.

Months passed and he tried and failed. He tried it with other stations but failed to last long – apparently because he was after ambition to be at the helm.

Now, his name has cropped up again. Although he will be assigned to a different unit, it is pretty clear that he will get his revenge.

It has started. I was relieved of my position since I was holding a position wherein I could be terminated at any time if the network wished.

THE PAPER RETURN

As early as 2022, I was aware this could happen. I was given the chance to return to the local paper in February 2023. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I treated everyone equally and heeded to what the seniors wanted. I was no longer the defiant or rebellious person. It didn’t change a thing.

After dedicating my life, even on holidays or weekends, I was told that I failed the performance evaluation and would not be regularized. It came as a shock considering my efforts. Apparently, continuously working for the TV network was one of the reasons.

I did not argue anymore, knowing that people wanted me out. I fathom to think what could have happened had I left the network and ended up jobless.

Regardless if you play against or with them, it is clear that office politics is in play. It is beyond my control and all I can do is turn around and march forward.

LEAVING TELEVISION

Now with the TV network, the same threat looms. I am no longer happy with what I am doing with management opting to move in a different direction.

I once told a former superior that what is important is I leave my legacy. Unfortunately, he told me that it was something that hardly matters. For as long as unit is operating, your contributions hardly matter.

IN SEARCH OF ANSWERS

Now, I find myself lost. My mental health is suffering once more and may finances have been hit hard. The only difference is I have my wife, daughter and son to back me up.

However, they do not know the agony and pain I have inside. Sometimes I question my existence. I even ask myself if I am a bad person and if so, what did I do wrong?

LAUGHING TO THEIR HEART’S DELIGHT

One thing is for sure, the friends who I thought cared are slowly disappearing. I see them joining the people who despise me or wish bad of me, laughing as a whole. I have no plans to detail them since I do know who they are.

All I can do right now is bow my head and wish for the best. It is a tough situation and getting new work is hard since I am already over 50 years old.

The choices I made the past years have affected me and my family. Now, I have no idea what the future holds. I feel the stress and hardly care about the joy that critics and former friends have against me.

CLUELESS FUTURE

What is next? I have no idea. I have tried to go back to the barracks and stay writing. I have no interest in being famous and all the TV shows and podcasts where I appear are all just for information gathering and of course making new friends.

Unfortunately, some believe that this is because of fame. I have never been the kind who wants the attention. I prefer a quiet life, someone who will be in the background.

NOT IN IT FOR FAME

I don’t expect people to understand or believe my words. Some say I may be doing something right. But the reality of it all is that you cannot please everybody. And now, sad to say, it is getting to me and affecting the remaining years of my life.

You Just Can’t an Old Dog New Tricks

This is an old familiar phrase that goes out to most of the elderly people today that are just hardheaded and refuse to change their ways for the belief that they know that something good will come out of it all. Unfortunately, I am one of these stubborn people. Maybe I just won’t learn to stop giving in to intuition and continue to become a fool.

It has been my character to trust easily, relying heavily on word of mouth telephone conversations to get to know people who suddenly enter my life. I have this knack of immediately falling for girls, even if I haven’t had the chance to be with them. Despite numerous warnings from dear friends and family members, I still choose to stand by what I believe in, that of which is to accept people in equal footing with actual people in real life.

I haven’t had much luck lately. I have just been from a failed marriage where my ex–wife was having an affair under my nose without my knowledge. This was based on trust since all the while I thought marriage was a secure and sacred thing that people would respect. I was wrong. Unknown to me, there was already an affair going on and I just let it happen. Too much for relying on trust in marriages is it not?

Then after some months, I tried my hand in courtship. I went as far as trying to be super nice, playing dumb and giving in to all their needs. After all that has been said and done, it turns out, none of the efforts were rewarding. I went through three courtship engagements, all of which failed and kept me at an all time low. The last one was the most bitter. I really thought she loved me. As I found out, it was only I who wanted to believe in it.

But thanks to writing and keeping myself busy, I was able to recover and find meaning by simply working my butt off through working practically 24/7. What else was there to ruin my life in its prime stages?

Then came this girl, who was supposedly an ex-girlfriend of my ex-wife’s current bf. They had a relationship concurrent to what they have now. Feeling pitiful and sorry for the girl, I offered help to the extent of taking her in and offering to help her get the life that is due to her. She is still young and has a lot to experience. I even went to the extent of buying a new phone and get a prepaid line that was solely dedicated to her. I racked up telephone bills that most people would call crazy. Never missed a beat and texted or called her at anytime she was available. What the heck was I doing?

At some point, I was already on the verge of giving up since I was already in a stage of confusion, what is it with this girl that keeps me motivated and attracted? I haven’t even seen her but yet I feel like I owe it to help her in my own sincere way. She supposedly had plans of living near me, but for some reason, there is always a delay in the plans. To top it all off, just a week ago, she claimed to have lost her phone when somebody snatched it from her while she was out. The funny thing about it was all this time she told me that the phone never left the house and all of a sudden it gets snatched from no where? Quite a coincidence.

I got a message the next day from an unknown number asking if this was my number and telling me about the ordeal. With nothing to do, I simply replied with an OK message and waited, waited and waited. I sent one message asking her friend to tell her to e-mail me. No replies and no e-mail.

One day, I thought of asking my daughter what she would look for in a partner I would choose and among the girls she knew around me, who would be closest to her heart. None of them made the grade and when I brought up the name of the girl, she just told me to wake up. Anybody associated with my ex-wife is up to no good.

As it stands, it took a 16 year old girl to open my eyes and bring me back to reality. There is no reality in imaginary friends. I will admit that I was hurt by it but as always, I just shrug it off and try to get back to my senses. It is apparent that the girl has informally said goodbye and to hear from her again would become a miracle.

Why has God given me this kind of life? I haven’t the slightest idea. Maybe it is the price for being successful in career, giving me custody of my daughter or being too nice to people around me when in the end they would just be using me. I am in no position to question the Lord, but with no one decent to talk to, all I can do is go to what I best recourse to, that is of writing with all my heart.

I always catch myself staring blankly. Thinking of the past, the present and the future. What does life have in store for someone who has been forced to mature early and feel like he has grown old through the years? Questions and setbacks are aplenty in this colorful life that God has given me. I guess I just have to hold back my emotions and start to live life in reality. Believing in old practices which were instilled by my forefathers is simply frustrating.

I can only wish the people who contributed to these setbacks a hearty good luck. Thank you for making me believe and making me look like a fool. For what it is worth, this fool will always remain as he is, a fool for all seasons.

When Bird’s Fly to the Morning Sun

Keeping an eye on the little things of life can always become amazing at times. Most people dream of being among the clouds and looking down on people after their time has come. However, the thing is, some people just don’t know how to look back at all the good things that people have to offer, only caring about themselves rather than lending or repaying all the efforts and hardships that these people have given them through the years.

No doubt those experiences can become disturbing. It is a matter of caring only for one’s self and neglecting the needs of others, parents and relatives included. There is a fine line between sincerity and the ability of people with regards to providing support and being there once the need arises. But with the evil of money and wealth, people could care less and would rather see a person die rather than cherish their importance and parts in their lives.

Such can be traced towards cultural and ethnic growth. Not all people would have a memorable past but regardless, caring more about your financial capacity and stature has to be a pathetic sight. Imagine an old woman, helpless and motionless. Spending millions just to keep her alive and all you would think about is keeping the money you have for yourself. Let us be more concise, imagine that was your mother or father, would you think twice about wanting to see them alive or dead and just get your inheritance and let them die due to lack of support?

People have varying insights on such. But in such instances, money seems to be worthless if only people would give value towards existence of people who are dear to them regardless of what the past is. Life can not be replaced, money can be earned. So what is the point of comparison between the two if any?

There are people who do not earn much but are willing to help even with nothing in return. Why these people do this is something I can sum up to values. It is not a requirement to give back what you have gotten. It is a matter of putting values into focus. If only the dead can talk, maybe their disappointments can be heard.

Shining at the Right Moment

Sit back for a minute and reflect. What if fate was altered and you would find yourself thinking back to your childhood? Would you say that life has dramatically changed and what you have now would be something that you really didn’t bargain for?

Surely, there are a lot of people who have given this some thought. Our lives will always encounter changes in their proper course and this is a reality rather than a fantasy. We may all be in a dream world, but this dream world may not turn out in our favor at times.

Making the best out of what life has to give should always be in our thought. We would all know what to do and why we should do them. There is no right or wrong, only a decision to which we will all abide and respect. We cannot alter the course of our lives nor can we go back to correct the mistakes. But what we can do is make the past our point of reference when we make current and future decisions not only for us, but for our future genes who will carry our name.

Such can be considered a legacy of sorts. We make our own name and we know for a fact to which extent we want ourselves to be in. There are no regrets for the decisions we make. It is something we believe that is right regardless if they are right or wrong in the minds of many. The main thing is doing the right thing at the prime of your life. We only get this opportunity once so we should all abide by it.

People will get hurt by decisions made by others, especially if they are found on the losing end. But this is only temporary. Being hurt and depressed is only normal and a part of life. We may shed a tear or a wide grin. We all have feelings and these are normal reactions. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

But the sun shines in our lives as well. We cannot move on and attend to other parts of our lives without confidence and belief in ourselves. There will always be rumor mongers abound. But this should not be made an excuse for our shortcomings. A person may choose to prove them wrong but in essence it is uncalled for.

What is important is that dreams are guides regardless of the results. Abide by it and stand tall. No one has the right to judge others by mere experience. It is a right instilled to us all. So catch your dreams and makes the right move. You may only have one shot at it in your lifetime.

2006 Review and 2007 Forecasts!

Each year, anyone would ask, what would be your New Year’s Resolution? Usually, I would not answer and if ever I did have one, I would keep it to myself. I believe in making resolution by putting action on to them and seeing fate have its way. It is better than allowing our mouths getting the best of us.

The Year in Review
Okay so by this time, 2006 will be closing and looking back, the year was not so bad. While it started out tough knowing you were cheated by your ex-wife for several years after implanting in your mind that you were the one who had the problem, it sucks to know that you were right all along. Well, touché and hurrah, maybe my third eye was really there but I just didn’t listen or look through it.

Social Life
On the side of love life, well it didn’t start out that well also. For the sake of not wanting to hurt another person’s feeling by failing to be the man of her dreams, I called it quits since that relationship would be sort of one-sided. Would you believe I forgot how to love? Anyway, if there is one thing I hate is that of thinking only of you. I had some love interests but as usual, most of them faltered. But the big story was that it didn’t devastate me that much compared to the previous years.

The result however was a recluse attitude and choosing to isolate myself from friends whom I had apprehensions with regards to sincerity. Unlike in the previous years, I cut short my gimmicks and attendance in social gatherings. Besides what would one less person do to spoil their fun?

Career and Commitments
On the career side, I am still far from satisfied despite being appointed the General Manager per se. While it was only the title that changed, the challenge to grow the business and run it as my own was too good to let up. Going through pressure and the demands of the owners was simply mind boggling but was capped off with the opportunity to renegotiate with our counterparts in Taiwan, not to mention being able to travel outside the country once again after 26 years. For 2007, the renewed vigor and optimistic forecasts are something I am very enthusiastic about. I am almost 100% sure that most of them will be attained. I have no explanation but they are just gut feelings which I am confident.

On the side, there were the usual sports organizing as the bowling and basketball tournaments and first coaching stints with my boys. Overall they were memorable and satisfactory. Having proven my theories tested was an accomplishment as well.

There was of course my farewell stint with the Ateneo MBA team in both basketball and bowling. Being a member of the champion teams for both sports was really something that I cherished, although it was also my official goodbye to the professional school. I also took out intentionally in my friendster list, people who only used me and are insincere.

On my blogging and writing, I would say it was indeed a big help. Handling Biziki and some other per contract gigs helped a lot, especially in financing the needs of me and my family in crucial stages of the year. I am thankful to the Lord for still being there to give me such graces. My best Christmas gift was that of coming back home to Mark Saunders, my original creator who gave me the big break and exposed me to the world of online writing and blogging. I am back handling various blogs for Mark and that is the highlight and best Christmas gift I ever got.

Family and Friends
For family, it will be the final year before my unica hija will finally march towards college. While it seemed awkward for me at first since it seemed like only yesterday that I was taking these entrance exams myself, being there and seeing my daughter all grown-up had me teary-eyed.

But then again, she is moving towards being an adult and I am just proud to be the one to see her grow into one. Not to mention are her accomplishments and growth into independency when I fired her so-called tutor who was merely after money. Joining and winning such contests as the First Place in the Story Writing contest really brought joy to my heart and hopefully stepped up her confidence level with regards to accomplishing something if she really puts her heart into it.

This is something her mom never believed in. I am glad she believed in it and is now putting it into good use.

Family was still the same. I still have my cute niece and nephews to take away my headaches, spoiling them every time I see them as usual. My week just cannot be complete without playing with them.

Devastating would be the thought that my grandmother may be lying on her deathbed, something of which I still refuse to believe owing to the fact that she seems strong to live for another 10 years. But I am not God to make such a claim and I leave it up to the One in Heaven to decide her fate.

Plans to move out and occupy my dad’s condominium in Mandaluyong are in the works since eventually this house will be sold. The worth of the house is more important to my relatives and well, it is just as well since I won’t see and may have the peace of mind of focusing on what I want to prove, and this is to be successful and care less for people who look down on me so much that they want to see me fall.

Ex-wife, last I heard she was working in a call-center and having a hard-time coping up with life. Well, money isn’t the only thing important in life but for their side I guess it is. Nevertheless, Vanessa and I still included her in our prayers before I left for Taiwan in December.

What Now in 2007?
For 2007, Outisde the usual Feng Shui readings which warned me to take care of my health and tighten my financial belt despite influx of financial resources, I am optimistic of looking for more writing and blog jobs to aid my monthly financial needs.

For work, I see a good year as long as my marketing and business plans are met. But if my hunches are correct, it will be a fruitful and successful year for me and the company. I can see myself traveling again this year, but as for the destination, I have no idea.

For my daughter, I see her finally pursuing her career as it should be. Business, Computer Science or Journalism, the choice is hers to make.

For my friends, well, I will still stick to my decision of choosing wisely. There are users and they are people I will choose to avoid rather to engage in. It’s better at that since I have no use for them.

For my family, well, although it seems we will be parting soon, I will make every effort of finding ways for us to be still close. Again this only covers my immediate family.

For writing, I am praying for a smoother and harmonious influx of projects and blogs. Doing something I love and earning from it as well is simply the best thing that ever happened to me.

For enemies such as my former money-sucking in-laws, well, no comment. I’ll just ignore them and let them be. But reconciliation is definitely out of the picture, even if you kiss my ass.

For relationships? Hmmm, hehe, hrmmmm. I think I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. While I wanted someone so much, it seems like a lost cause but no regrets. As long as she is happy, that’s a closed chapter in my life already. For others, well prospects? Cannot think of one, all I care about is career success for now.

Happy New Year! Welcome 2007, hopefully another break-out year!

The Blog Adviser Goes Online NOW!

Blogs are alternative methods of writing wherein most people can compose anything they want and in the manner they would want the mood to be set. A combination of a website with rich content in the manner and design that any person would want to be known, blogs have become a good source of therapy and income for the chosen. The latter of which may draw conflicting inputs since focusing on income generating content would sometime take out the true essence and meaning of the entire post. Notable here is the focus of people on the use of keywords, repeating them at will so that search engines can easily find them once queries for particular words are being sought.

Blogs are familiarly known as online diaries where people share their experiences and stored knowledge in the manner they want to express them. Nobody knew that blogs would eventually become a money-making practice for sites which want to expound on various topics and genres that their website is to be known for. Today, social networking services such as Friendster, Multiply, Hi5 and MySpace, have not only offered a chance for people to expand their network of contacts but also to hold online diaries for their colleagues and friends to see. Usually, life experiences, business knowledge, setbacks, accomplishments and photo images are the main contents of the blogs that these people make. Such a practice also allows people to hone their grammar and typing skills and further enrich their vocabulary.

The Blog Adviser, created in November 30, 2006 is a project that Orble made possible. The site is hosted by the Orble Network and its main purpose is to be able to provide information, actual experiences and business related content to share with Orble bloggers and other people seeking rich content information. Unlike most blog marketing sites, the purpose is to provide useful and colorful insights and expound them in the best possible way, not only through properly termed topics but also through actual experiences as witnessed and dealt with by the person who will be handling all the posts on a daily basis.

The Blog Adviser aims to focus on business related issues and information based on actual research work and strategic management practices from real life business management issues. With the actual hands-on experience of handling a local trading company and business consultation services to various local and foreign companies, the Blog Adviser is expected to be among the top sought after sites for information and explanations with regards to varying issues on the business and management side for professionals of today and tomorrow. Links and images will be used to coincide with the posts, not just to optimize the site but also to serve as supporting proofs with regards to the validity of the posts to be made.

On the side, The Blog Adviser will also provide some freestyle writing content from personal experiences that combine poetry and stories into one. While these posts are mainly for adding some counseling and advise to online people who want some pastime reading, especially the romantically inclined individuals, the freestyle writing section promises to give worthy and reliable actual experiences for people who seek answers from life.

Hence the Blog Adviser has commenced and started its part in contributing towards the blogging era and each visitor is expected to be satisfied in both the business and personal aspect. For more information, the Blog Adviser can be visited today at http://www.blogadviser.com .

Even Angels Fly Away

All of us believe in guardian angels who always watch our back. They are sometimes considered figments of our imagination but unknown to us; they are actually the people who care for us so much that we tend to disregard their presence and importance. Angels come in the form of many thanks, and most people would overlook the fact that these are actually in the form of people that we are important to.

Most of us wish to have an angel by our side all the time. At times of being down, of need and at times of loneliness, we consider them as fictional characters, all based on stories and movies that we see everyday. They can come in the form of suitors, parents, peers, close friends or even enemies. It all depends on how we define and foresee angels in our days.

But mind you, even the dearest angels have feelings and may eventually go away. Angels would usually not want anything in return. They just simply do things that make them and the person they care for to be happy and worry free. True enough, in our modern day lives; we do not believe that such people exist. Our belief is that whatever good a person would do, something must be needed in return. It is just simply non-existent in our lives. Or are they?

Sometimes we just tend to believe in what we want to and not believe that there are people, whom even if we hurt in some ways that are not aware to us or them, would go at anything to ensure the safety and happiness of the person that they care for so much. Why is this? Is it something that has been handed or a ghost that most people have created in their minds?

Nevertheless, it should also be remembered that guardian angels can always flap their wings and move on for the feeling of being unwanted. Angels are around us, there is no doubt. We just tend to believe that they come down from the heavens and play in our minds. It is just too bad that some of us are not wise enough to appreciate the presence of angels over our shoulders. Perhaps this is the reason why most people who show us something different tend to be recluse and just go on their way. The chance to believe that not all things need to have something in return is of our own doings. Such a shame people are the main reason why realization of such fictional characters is really just beside us all the time. Too bad we are the ones who force them to fly away.

Saying Farwell through a Christmas Lantern

From the start, it was something uncertain, unclear and a risk I had taken. There is no doubt that I already knew what would happen and knowing the risks, it was bound to near the end of something which only I wanted to work. The ordeal is not something that carried promises. There was no clear path as to where it would go as she is committed to someone else, and I having a complicated predicament from my failed marriage was too much too consider.

While I already laid down my cards and told her bout my true inner feelings, no reciprocation was expected. No demands, no promises and no expectations, it all had to come to a somewhat abrupt end. Thinking all the while that a person would appreciate someone who would keep his mind on that person only and not entertain other possible candidates or relationships that are coming here and there went the opposite direction, a shared view which only aggravated my chances, but then again, was not really something I would feel sorry for. I had already conditioned my mind to such an occurrence, and sad to say, I was correct in assuming that it will lead to nowhere. I am not the bad guy in this scenario. I never wanted to break up anything nor had any intentions. I was simply waiting for my time. But as things stand now, that time may never materialize and all I am left is with my career and close family loved ones such as my daughter to be happy with.

People have been advising me left and right. Don’t expect is what they tell me, something that I have become accustomed to. Do not ruin something that was bound by God. I always believed this even if I had become a victim in such a belief myself, losing someone which would ordinarily be a big blow to anyone for the weak at heart. God has plans for all of us, something that no one will ever know until the day comes.

Maybe I have become ignorant to love and relationships at this stage as I always feel that life is becoming shorter to prove a person’s success at my age. At 36, I feel I have been through a lot, and the only enjoyment I get right now is through family gatherings, work, and playing ball. As far as building on my relationship problems is concerned, it’s just a part of human life. It is not important if the right person is not by your side.

As for the title, this is something that will symbolize the sign-off. She had wanted this ever since the Christmas season started and I promised to buy her one. It was nice looking around and seeing which would make her smile. But after the series of conversations, it seems that after this, I am no longer expecting to hear from her as she made it clear that it is not a relationship we are having but only friends. Some people just do not understand how such remarks could hurt anyone, but being good at hiding things, I just simply took everything in stride.

I plan to give the Christmas Lantern this week, perhaps the last thing I would ever give her. I know that somewhere at the back of my mind that our last meeting may actually be the last. After delivering the said lantern, it is safe to say that this is a closed chapter in my life. Funny. Being the author of my life, I think I simply reached the page where I will start seeing the glossary and the appendices already. Perhaps another volume will be started. But in whichever case, I knew I did not do anything wrong. It hurts to live by principles and acceptance of defeat. But then again, life must go on and other areas of lives may need to be attended to, such as family and career.

Merry Christmas and farewell are all that is left. An early Christmas gift and
parting present that will hopefully settle things down for her own piece of
mind.

The Substitute: Simply waiting for His Crack at Glory

For people like me who have participated and joined teams, it is only natural to accept that better people in terms of skills and qualifications will be preferred over them. Being a sports buff in the aspect of competitive level, maturing to the stage of accepting that it will reach a point that giving way for the benefit of team play should always be the foremost important thing rather than selfish achievement and glory, something that most people feel should be the case.

This has rubbed off in all aspects of my life. Work, family, and even love and relationships, preference to be the only one capable of handling a job or task has become secondary in nature since a few years back. Some would say it the loss of interest and fire, setbacks to which frustrations would eat up the best in a person’s life. But honestly, it is more of maturing and looking at it more abruptly, being realistic and mature about such endeavors that all people go through everyday. Selfishness is what should be tagged to people who simply want to stay stubborn and refuse to accept reality that all skills and personal qualifications will definitely reach a point where they can be facing new blood with better qualifications with benefits as well.

As far as love and relationships, sorry as it may seem at times, its time to face the fact of age as well. We all do not get any younger and sometimes, looking at life as a game that may well be on the crossroads of ending should serve as an alarm into considering better things in life than forcing themselves on people who simply have no place for them. Self pity as it may seem to all, perhaps it is true, but personally, not the entire personality of individuals. A person suffering setbacks in love and relationship can always use that energy and transform it into productive energy as well, in the form of focusing on career and unfulfilled personal goals. Falling for people who are attached, well, that is becoming my destiny and instead of moping around, the best thing to do is concentrate on something else rather than sitting on the corner and feeling sorry for me. Why force the issue and waste time, when there are far better things to achieve for the little time that life allows us to have?

True, people may not always appreciate what sincere people truly have to offer. However, I always believed that anyone’s importance would be felt once they are gone. This holds true, especially for people who have departed due to old age, where their presence and attention will sorely be missed. To which I sometimes wonder, considering all the accomplishments and help in my own sincere way, perhaps some people would appreciate it in the future. But regardless if they do or not, it won’t really matter since I do not really crave for personal glory and acknowledgement, but rather just carrying out in my beliefs as a person, not asking nor wanting anything in return. Realizing the importance will come at times we least expect it. It is just too bad it always has to come to that point, the point where even their heart and soul are no longer what they were when that person first approached you.

As Fate Would Have It...

It has begun and I think its about time for me to focus on some other things outside my social life. Finding no remorse for the only person who was missing in my life, the void is there to stay, and I don’t really care if it will be filled up anymore or not. Trying to meet someone all over again seems a waste of time and as fate and destiny would have it, it is time to buckle down to business and start looking at personal goals and putting focus on the things I have yet to accomplish.

My belief where love and money do not mix is really something that I was never wrong. For people who can effectively balance their time and attention to both deserves a salute and a citation. Satisfying myself in the love area is something that really needs improvement, but then again, living the rest of your life and focusing on what you have now and passing it on to the next generation is an achievement already in its own. Perhaps one day, these young kids will look up to me and idolize what I have accomplished, but hopefully they will have a better social life, something I would not want them to follow as well.

For the person I adore, your life is a mystery to me, same as your true inner feelings, something I would rather not assume for you will never admit the real feeling. I have my own conclusions but I would rather have them confirmed by you when the time comes. If it does not reach that point, then I guess I was wrong. That way, it won’t be embarrassing nor hurting to note that all the while, the entire feeling was simply coming from a one way street.

Getting Nostalgic, What is there to Look Forward to?

Just got some good movies on DVD, some of which I wasn’t able to watch in the big screen some months ago, one of which was by my favorite actor, Adam Sandler. His movie, “Click” really hit me so hard and in some ways made me think of what my future would be like. I know it may be a fictional story but still the message was clear and apparent, making me realize what if I had a universal remote myself, would I be successful and would I value profession over family? I only have my daughter outside my real family and well, make me think, how I would handle the situation. So far, I guess I still manage to balance my time for my only prize from my distraught marriage and pouring on what I can give to her and my family members. But what if time would move fast and I would find myself finally alone, would anyone care?

Last week, someone told me something I still ponder to this day. This friend told me that not caring and just accepting what people see in me is a bad habit and may transform me into being isolated and caring less for what people would think. Insensitive and simply taking love for granted, well, it’s a bad occurrence as explained by her and that one day I may regret it. Then that movie, hmmm well it seems to make me think.

It is no secret that I have trained my mind to simply hang out with people who value me more than what I have to offer. People who simply want to get a hold of what I can give them, do for them and help them out with are pure figures that I have opted not to entertain anymore, something that I played dumb with in the past years after my broken marriage. Today, I simply satisfy myself by writing, working on my friend’s company and a couple of coaching stints. Outside that of one person who I really care for, I haven’t really had the drive to go out and party anymore, owing to the fact that I find it senseless being with people who look at life differently. No names need to be mentioned, I just simply took the easy way out by declining invitations to parties and gatherings. I would rather stay at home and think of ways to earn a living outside my normal workload.

It has come to a point on whether I would go back on my word of pursuing my professional career both as a writer and an executive and giving due importance to family. Never mind bout friendship, it is becoming more of a betrayal rather than a pact as of late. I would rather keep contact with a chosen few rather than a whole bunch that have disappeared one after the other. Do I care find out where they are? NOPE! I have chosen to move on and regardless if it is my last gasp of air or not, I don’t really care if they are still around to see me lose it.

For the only person I devote my leisure time outside that of my close family members, it’s nothing personal. I know where I stand and I know I can never find out the real score. But mastering the art of becoming numb has its benefits. Sometimes it’s better left unsaid. Friendship is the best she can offer; I have no objections about it. If that is what makes her happy, I respect it. As for me, I am just content being in the sidelines, a spectator who prefers not to be in the limelight, something I believe is for attention seekers, something I am certainly not.

Aiming High, Falling Short from the Goal

Last night officially ended my coaching for this year as far as competitive basketball is concerned. Similar to that of what happened to the younger generation some weeks back where we finished 3rd, my plight with the more older guys also gave out the same result, 3rd place and bowing to a team that seemed to have all the luck. Despite the loss, I still believe we could have won, but given the pressure and team politics, I was helpless to do my own strategies, with the fear of not being able to make everyone happy.

Anyway, I forwarded my intention not to coach anymore the team next year. Unlike the younger players, these people have the notion that they are better than me, so why bother arguing and rather let them do the coaching. I never insisted on being the coach and the burden that I went through is something that is truly hard to live on by any normal person. Discipline, cooperation and devotion, this is something that this team lacked compared to that of the younger boys who could have gone all the way if not for some underground game fixing by a team that used money to win. Pathetic I know, but maybe he should have jut bought a trophy with the payment he had given, it was cheaper! But for people, money isn’t everything, and buying games and taking out the purpose of it is their cup of tea. Too bad, but it only goes to show who the real losers are.

Going back, I still feel I lack the experience to coach in the technical aspect. Motivation is there, discipline and training and so on. It was an added feather to my long list of experiences and something I will cherish. Although if I would have gotten a championship, it would have been something to cherish. But being a rookie coach, many say it was a quite showing, so in a way it may have been something to look back on.

Next week is the start of a new training for the league of the kids. Actually there is also another one for the elder people, but honestly, I am not that at ease with it, and would rather coach the teenagers than them. Instead, I choose to just help out forming the team and get a coach who can handle them. I know my limits and coaching a team that is full of stars is too much to handle.

For now, I just want to lay back and recharge my wits. The coaching stint truly took its toll on me. Besides, my work needs more attention now. So you might say, I am on vacation as far as battering my mind again is concerned. Besides, the holiday season is just around the corner, its high time I spent time with my little tykes for the meantime, it is my time to look after them.

The Strong Mind and The Weak at Heart

I know I told myself I should be content with what I choose to follow, but well, I can’t help but admit that not being able to see this complicated scenario with this special someone has been taking its toll on me. That is the problem with me, once I set my sights into it, I have trouble sticking to my principles, bearing the brunt of this foolish feeling I have when I know it is close to impossible for her to love me as well. But being the hard-head I am, I guess this is how my life goes dating back to my bachelor days. I never wanted a simple life where I could find a simple girl who can simply love me for what I am. Well, then again, maybe there is something in store for me, maybe and maybe not.

They say life is not fair. While I partly agree with it, the other part that does not is more of my emotional side. You simply cannot have it all. So why do I choose the impossible things, not only in the aspect of relationships, but in everything that includes profession, friends, and teaching peers to endure in what I want to do. Perhaps it is because I always try to prove critics wrong and look on how to achieve the impossible. I have proven my theories in more occasions that once, but once I do, I have no place for a wide grin. It is more of a sigh of relief, pressure perhaps, but later on I would ask myself, pressure myself? For what? No one believes in you anyway so what is it for? Prestige? Payback? Does it really matter?

Well, rehabilitating myself at the moment to where I was back then when I put the fences up and kept out most people who would enter and try to be part of my life is something that is on at the moment. I have been there more times than anyone has perhaps gone to and by golly this is something that should be a walk in the park. Well, I am surviving in a way, but memories and flashbacks of the regular times I have been with her is similar to banging a hammer on my head. I know what I have gotten myself into, and unless a miracle ensues, I guess it will go on till I am unable to walk. By the way, for the past three weeks I experienced the difficulty of not being able to walk nor run normally, and this early I can say, it really sucks. Not being able to play ball, walking faster to catch up to time and worse, going on a forced diet from my favorite dishes, what a week!

To close this, someone from the past is lurking around. Hopefully not to bother me again as I have already made up my mind with the person I have admitted my feelings to. Basing it on experience, it is not far fetched that this person will soon show up, and am psyching myself up to be the meanest person so as not to allow my mellow side get the best of me again and lead me to another disastrous part of my life. Besides, I was already replaced by someone not only in her life, but towards her family, so it’s like trying to solve the economic crisis if she would step in again. For what its worth, please, please leave me, Vanessa and my dreams alone!

At An All Time Low

After being on top of the world, one of my most feared events has happened. I always believed that once a person reaches a certain level, it is scary to look at how far he will fall. So far, I haven’t really climbed up that high and here I am feeling down and awful for the past two weeks. Losses and physical injuries due to old age I guess have been popping out of nowhere and I am safe to say have been contributory markers to pulling down my adrenaline level.

As a coach, I have already experienced how it is to lose. While I have been asking for this for some time, it is at this time that I wished I would see the person who complements everything. But due to a busy schedule and prior commitments, this week’s meeting has been cancelled and well, here I am waiting again for my turn at her. While I will admit it was a bit painful not to see her, I recollect that even before I got myself into this, I am a secondary choice and that I am by no means a priority for her. After thinking things over, it all was good but still heavy to bear.

But I have no regrets. I am used to being down, again and again it is nothing new despite what most dear people would tell me. It is better to experience such feelings rather than waiting for them to rise at moments where you least and don’t want to see them. I still stand by my belief that a person’s happiness is still the best way to show her how sincere and caring I am and that there is no reciprocation necessary. It is something that is very well water under the bridge and the only way I can be happy is when I sleep where nothing else matters.

Basketball is a mind game that needs wits and tactics. For the past three games, I can safely say that I am mentally drained from both analyzing game plays and emotions. While I know that most people will learn from defeat and setbacks, despite how hard I take on them, I know I have to use them to be able gain experience and tuck them under my belt. It may affect my ego and outlook, but a weak person will never be able to get stronger without going through them. It is through this that I was able to stand up and become numb when it comes to relationships and personal agendas, and professional work is something that should not be as hard to implement as well.

Now that I am on an all-time low, there is nothing more to look forward to but up. Surely, dampened spirits and lost causes will lead to regrets, but given the time to be able to regroup my thoughts and continue striving for knowledge may just be in time for the most awaited time of the year when everything around me becomes a joy to watch, and that is the Christmas season. Will I conquer and realize my coaching dreams? Will I ever find out if she really has me somewhere in her heart? Regardless of what fate has in store for me, one thing is for sure, this coming holiday season will be spent joyfully with my family and especially my daughter, Vanessa.

You Make Me Want to Be A Better Man

With due reference to Mr. Jack Nicholson for his quote in the movie “As Good As It Gets”, I love to keep on saying this to myself, especially when I am around this girl who simply brings fireworks and tranquility whenever we are together. It is quite obvious that I am going nuts over her, and despite my gout problem wherein I have been limping for almost a week now, I still try to shrug it off to be able to see the queen of my dreams. By dreams, this means that this is the only place where I can feel what a true relationship would feel, and how I can show her and take care of her the way I value a woman, tender loving care and affection without bounds.

Funny thing is, this gout dilemma only hurts when I am alone. But once I am with her, nothing else seems to matter. More than just magic, I take comfort in talking to her and sharing a few laughs. That is about it. The girl is with someone else and I am in no way going to instigate the fire for them to separate for my own selfish reasons. Love is not being with the person, it is about seeing her happy. Many would clearly view this act as a sorry act, but I tend to disagree. People who are together but often quarrel and argue about issues that often lead to misunderstandings, my case is totally different. I do not want to assume nor conclude, but overall, where we are now is practically a satisfying point of companionship. Whenever she would need me, I would not hesitate to comply, and most of the time she would just be surprised at how I would oblige even if I had things to do, or am coming from a distant place. I simply reply “Because this is the only time I can be with you. You know how much I look forward to being with you so don’t take it away from me.” She would then keep quiet and pout a while, something I love to see since it makes her cute to my eyes.

One thing that I always want to do, is to have her worry-free. All smiles and comfortable is what I want to see from her when we are together. At the age of 36, we are both in the twilight of our lives and unlike in the yuppie years, life is totally different. We have jobs, priorities and ironically, daughters to look after. The only difference is that she has someone now, who curiously is not around all the time. There are times I would ask what she would be doing on weekends. I find it surprising that most of the time she would just be at home. Weird as it may be for me, I wonder how any guy would not spend time with her the way I would want to.

After telling her how I felt, I admit that I am pleased to see that she never avoided me. It is something I was afraid off and in a way I wonder why. If my intuition serves me correct, it may be what I want it to be. But then again, to jump into conclusions may do more than harm. But then again, I am getting way ahead of our story. Succeeding chapters are yet to be written. Let’s see what the ending holds for me.

A Path that Few Have Chosen…

“I chose the path which only a few have taken, and I am glad I did!” by Natazha Vanessa Yalung, May, 2006

Yes that is my daughter who said that to me last father’s day. Honestly, I was surprised by the notation. Somehow she has inherited some of my poetic and grammatical insights, owing to the fact I guess that she sees her dad typing like crazy on the keyboard from the evening till the early morning. Writing stuff after the usual 8-5 work I hold locally may seem very hectic, but not if you love what you are doing, something that takes the load off. After years of hoping and trying to land 2 jobs at a convenient time allocation, I have so far landed them in Biziki, Candyham, and Essaywriters which complement my daily work with Merlion International Sales, Inc. as their Marketing Director. For this I am thankful to the big Guy upstairs, thank you very much!

Going back, it is true, most people would not choose a path that has no promise and one that has a lot of risks. Most would take the safer route, the one that offers no demise of whatsoever and would just lean on their immediate judgment in knowing what to do. In our case, it is common for a child to go with her mother, but in our case, Vanessa made a big risk, a decision that I wholeheartedly accepted, although the other side still claims I had a lot to do with the decision. Well, the best way is to talk to the source and not to what they chose I guess. Keeping mum and quiet, people around who can compare us would now know why.

I have chosen the path as well, not putting much effort in demanding that I have a relationship, although there are opportunities that arise. One reason is a lot of people do not have a wide understanding of the situation, the immediate perception being that this guy is a player. But then again, take a look closely, if this guy was a player, how come her daughter is with her?

Some girls would prefer single guys. Having a daughter or a son changes the entire complexity of it. Perhaps for them, they would rather get someone who is single which is perfectly alright. There should be no hard feelings and for men who have my situation, expectations should not be set at high levels. It is only natural for girls to do so. They deserve the happiness and freedom owed to them by society.

So where does this lead me? Well, I chose not to really pursue having a partner and to just plainly prioritize my daughter. People would not believe me for sure, being known to always have someone special beside me to be able to strive harder; I took a different perspective now. It is not really about companionship now, but about being a parent and carrying out the things that I had experienced when I was their age and that is to enjoy life to the fullest. I have done my time of being happy and while there are girls here and there, the desire to have someone fit in my mix has been limited, and most of them are my friends. To take it to another level is entirely different, and the demands of the usual relationship are no longer something I am inclined to pursue.

Crazy as it may sound, I often say that I can live till the end of my days alone. I feel at times that I have been trained to take on hard times by myself, something that I really went through even when my former was here. But with my daughter, her presence alone comforts me, something that her mom never did and I presume no one will top. Strange how life goes, but it is in the paths that we choose which separates how most of us are in life, conservative or risk takers.

I have no regrets to the path I chose to, same as my daughter who knows her father better today. For me, I know my responsibility and my priorities. As far as partnership is concerned, it is the least of my worries. Lonely as it may some times, but to live a practical life today, one has to move on and suck it up to take on all the obstacles that life has yet to offer….

To Reveal or Not To Reveal

Keeping a secret, a passion inside for some time is not flattering to hide, especially if you continue to see this person. Chances are here and there, but finding the right opportunity to break the ice is hard enough, because friendship and companionship may be lost in the process. But as they say, if you are not inclined to take risks, life means nothing. Setbacks, frustrations, and heartaches are all normal and will be experienced in love problem related issues. But for some people, accumulated experiences from past relationships and the manner to which they view life today also counts. Some people just don’t believe that the level of maturity of most people is different than what they usually experience and hear today.

Modern day Romeo’s and Juliet’s are not given much of a chance today. For people, they don’t exist. With the way that most people experience these things today, it cannot be discounted that love and relationships are no longer reliable and essential compared to before. In most cases, people would say that timing is important; meaning that for some people, the person may already be in front of them but they just don’t see it because they do not still see the point of it all. A good friend told me this, and perhaps this is because right now, I have not really put into perspective my plans once I reach the latter years of my life. Time and again I have said, perhaps it would be best to live the rest of life alone, but as most people around still fail to differ, I would think that it really depend on the manner on how life would go through its course. But for now, I am content with keeping myself busy with my profession, writing and making the lives of kids and my siblings enjoyable as much as possible.

Sometimes taking a load off by admitting a personal secret that a person has kept throughout the years does not necessarily give back peace of mind. At the point of revelation, people would start to think if it was truly the right thing to do. For one thing, the person may not even be appreciative of the idea that this person was sincerely and truly in love with her. A blank face, stunning silence and straight vision, what do these things mean? Perhaps nothing or maybe she does not care bout the admission. But as admitted, there is no condition to it all nor are there any high expectations. This is something that most people fail to do, unconditional love and unconditional reactions. People say it is good to admit it but not all people will understand and this is perfectly fine. For all that it is worth, it is better to relay the message rather than not relay it all. Then again, don’t get false hopes up, because you only end up hurting yourself at the end. Hard but achievable, the last reaction remains with that person.

Love Without Reciprocation

Most people would disagree. Loving someone who may not feel the same nor love you at all is a total waste of time. As usual, known for being the person who defies odds and takes his joy with mere presence and companionship without anything in return, here I am, at it again. Falling for what I know will be close to impossible to happen, I guess with my state right now, not really looking for someone to be there for me at the moment, this is the closest thing I can get to loving someone and considering her dear to my heart.

I have been there. I am used to falling for people who are already committed or have fallen for someone else. But much as it would look dismaying, I really don’t care at all if she would acknowledge what I really feel for her. Telling her already my real feelings, even saying those sweet three words, feeling hurt would be as stupid as saying I love you. But the point is being able to say it for perhaps the last time, since girls are known for shying away from men who have fallen for them to preserve their existing relationship. I can respect that and while it would be heart-breaking for the average man, this is a situation wherein a person is really left with no choice. But as most people would tell me, it would be better to let the person know how you feel rather than not being able to say it at all.

Most people have different views on how to categorize love. I, for one, would rather show it by seeing the person happy, with or without her in my arms. It’s the best way to prove to her that you are not after anything else but her happiness, and we all know that love is a branch of happiness or vice versa. Such a scenario would draw raves and boos for sure, but for every person, a unique principle separates most of us, and this is what I chose to do.

I told her I would wait. She would tell me that my efforts would be futile. So I just simple answered back, well, then so be it if my efforts are for naught. I have no place to go, nothing else to do, having embarked on multi jobs to keep my mind on personal goals and fulfillment, being alone when everything is accomplished is my choice and possibility.

Personally, I am satisfied with what I have proven so far and accomplished as well. I know my achievements and accomplishments may not be far fetched nor significant for any other person, but again, this depends on how we view life. Knowing her for quite some time, seeing her in good times and bad times, there is no other recourse for me but to have her in my arms someday. Should fate have other plans, I will simply accept it as a setback, the same way that I approach any undertaking today. But this I assure you if you are reading this, I am happy with the amount of time you give me and whatever your life has in store for you, I will always be there and smiling all the way and supporting you. It’s the best way for me to show you my sincerity and how much I care for you. For my personal agenda, seeing you and the people around me like my daughter and family is the only important thing in my life. Nothing more, nothing less…

Personalized Cobwebs and Tomorrows

We all have our own hang-ups in life, and looking back at them is really a waste of time. No one is gifted with a worry free life and somewhere along the road, some mistakes and wrongful decisions will surely be something that will make most people feel very miserable. It is only natural. Humans were created to take on challenges to test their ability to handle such situations. Most people take on different approaches to resolve issues, but one thing that is sure, a decision made will be something that a person will stand for, regardless of the outcome and what other people think.

I would like the trails that people leave as cobwebs. These are traps or trails that people leave behind, and the strength of the web that they have built will depend on how they were able to resolve and get out of these. Ideally, most people do not really care, as long as they are able to survive the task, but realistically, being able to get over these things helps build our confidence and experience in handling such situations, something that not all of us experience at the same time. We learn from others, but we can also learn from their mistakes and their management of such issues. So what is the benefit from this? We learn from them and will be able to cope up with such problems should the need arise where we find ourselves in the same situation.

Cobwebs are usually known as something that is made of accumulated dirt and dust. Just like us, we leave a trail behind, but not all of the time does it follow that these trails are cleaned up and memorable. We all have shortcomings and while no one is expected to live up to such expectations and resolve them successfully, some fine tuning that can be made on the next experience can be done. Past experiences or even present ones cannot be avoided. There is hardly a good place to run. People have principles but do not really use them. Most of the time, they resort to other decision-making skills, mostly done through what they believe in, and something which other people should respect.

People nowadays rarely understand why a person chooses to be who or what he is. Some say that people who claim to be like this and like that are too good to be true. Given the benefit of the doubt, people should not be misjudged because of looks, past and what they want to preach. Respect in the same way that they would want people to respect them should be emphasized. Varying thoughts and opinions shall come, but for the sake of totally understanding any person in this world, a broader knowledge should be sought. Not all people jive and can relate to the real gist of the situation.

Too bad some people are just satisfied with where they are and how they can seek
convenience. Thinkers do otherwise. They simmer down and stop. Tomorrows provide
new promise. Only the fortunate are brave enough to face them as they
come.

The Puppet Masters

Puppets are known as controlled and manipulated objects that are usually but not necessarily characters used in plays or performances. (A definition taken from Wikipedia). Have you ever asked yourself what life is all about? If I were to compare, life is like a play or performance where most people are supposed to be responsible on how to author their daily living. Life is something that is like an empty book, and it is up to us to create our stories, and this is something that no one can take away from us. We follow different paths, approaches and goals, and regardless of the various insights and inputs that most people would usually have to say, the ending will still depend on the author that of which is us.

So why puppets? I will admit I have had my share of being a puppet from some people around me. I really couldn’t care less. Simply doing my own deed, going through the motions of life as it comes is only normal for me. People may look at it as something that is too good to be true, but hey, it is my call. It comes to a point where manipulation by people sets in, relatives, friends or acquaintances, purely for the sake of getting benefits out of the entire thing. Does it make them happy? Perhaps, but people who become puppets are usually the ones who have already set their foresights as to what to make out of their lives.

Puppet masters can be likened to people who really don’t care bout who you are but more on what you can give. Puppets are usually known for entertainment and in the same way; this is what most people want, seeing people perform as they wish. There is no bound as to the people who want to take advantage, but all I know is that they are abundant in numbers, me included if I should assess my life to way back. Good or bad, it doesn’t make a difference. Its obliging to what people want that is important, something that is a characteristic I aim to please. But unlike the ordinary puppets, living puppets that are not immediately aware can spring back to life and choose not to respond. Once this happens, it may be time for people to realize that puppets have a certain limit with regards to usable life. For people, moving on, avoiding and simply playing dumb to be stricken of the list is what we would usually encounter. I should know... I have done these things already, perhaps the reason why I choose to become invisible. I don’t really care if people would understand. All I know is I have a story to finish, without anyone there to alter what I want to be the ending of it all.