THE LOWEST OF ALL LOWS

In the 53 years of my existence, there have been high and lows. There was that time that it involved marital problems. In 2019, there was that hard decision of resigning from a local company.

It was a tough decision considering that I had been there since 2010. But with shots fired from all directions, it came to a point where my sanity was being affected. Regardless if I was only working as a journalist or content creator, somehow it was something that many mistook as a threat.

It took me about a year to recover from that hard decision, leaving a place that I had already considered home. But somehow, I managed to survive the waves by taking on work-from-home jobs. There were people who helped, especially my dad and a good friend who is ironically the younger brother of the publication I worked for.

Ironically, the pandemic hit at that time. Somehow, I was able to weather adversity since I had been used to working online and earning a living. To this day I wonder, how was I able to weather these storms?

THE OPPORTUNITY DURING COVID-19

In 2021, I was given the chance to become and editor for a local government station. I took on it wholeheartedly. I had the experience although it covered hard news. It was a learning experience for me, something that I embraced.

About a year later, I got elevated to a higher position, editor-in-chief. I was surprised and really had no ambition at the time to lead again.

That went on and by mid 2022, there was a chance to handle another department, PTV Sports. It was something I always wanted since this is where I am best known. But unknown to me, it was also something that would place me in a precarious position – be with the sharks once more who wanted to see me fail.

On cue, there were people who saw me rise again. And this time, they were up to their old ways of putting me down.

I was able to rise to the challenge. But as most know, anything will come to the point where they will catch up. That has apparently happened.

Being in a government institution, I know how it works. There were people who get jealous of you and others who are targeting your position. 

Image by NoName_13 from Pixabay

 

DEALING WITH EX-FRIENDS

One person, someone who I thought was a good friend is one of them. Apparently, he has ambitions and the “friendship” would take a back seat. In all, I was no longer a friend but someone he needed to take down to get his dream.

Months passed and he tried and failed. He tried it with other stations but failed to last long – apparently because he was after ambition to be at the helm.

Now, his name has cropped up again. Although he will be assigned to a different unit, it is pretty clear that he will get his revenge.

It has started. I was relieved of my position since I was holding a position wherein I could be terminated at any time if the network wished.

THE PAPER RETURN

As early as 2022, I was aware this could happen. I was given the chance to return to the local paper in February 2023. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I treated everyone equally and heeded to what the seniors wanted. I was no longer the defiant or rebellious person. It didn’t change a thing.

After dedicating my life, even on holidays or weekends, I was told that I failed the performance evaluation and would not be regularized. It came as a shock considering my efforts. Apparently, continuously working for the TV network was one of the reasons.

I did not argue anymore, knowing that people wanted me out. I fathom to think what could have happened had I left the network and ended up jobless.

Regardless if you play against or with them, it is clear that office politics is in play. It is beyond my control and all I can do is turn around and march forward.

LEAVING TELEVISION

Now with the TV network, the same threat looms. I am no longer happy with what I am doing with management opting to move in a different direction.

I once told a former superior that what is important is I leave my legacy. Unfortunately, he told me that it was something that hardly matters. For as long as unit is operating, your contributions hardly matter.

IN SEARCH OF ANSWERS

Now, I find myself lost. My mental health is suffering once more and may finances have been hit hard. The only difference is I have my wife, daughter and son to back me up.

However, they do not know the agony and pain I have inside. Sometimes I question my existence. I even ask myself if I am a bad person and if so, what did I do wrong?

LAUGHING TO THEIR HEART’S DELIGHT

One thing is for sure, the friends who I thought cared are slowly disappearing. I see them joining the people who despise me or wish bad of me, laughing as a whole. I have no plans to detail them since I do know who they are.

All I can do right now is bow my head and wish for the best. It is a tough situation and getting new work is hard since I am already over 50 years old.

The choices I made the past years have affected me and my family. Now, I have no idea what the future holds. I feel the stress and hardly care about the joy that critics and former friends have against me.

CLUELESS FUTURE

What is next? I have no idea. I have tried to go back to the barracks and stay writing. I have no interest in being famous and all the TV shows and podcasts where I appear are all just for information gathering and of course making new friends.

Unfortunately, some believe that this is because of fame. I have never been the kind who wants the attention. I prefer a quiet life, someone who will be in the background.

NOT IN IT FOR FAME

I don’t expect people to understand or believe my words. Some say I may be doing something right. But the reality of it all is that you cannot please everybody. And now, sad to say, it is getting to me and affecting the remaining years of my life.

You Just Can’t an Old Dog New Tricks

This is an old familiar phrase that goes out to most of the elderly people today that are just hardheaded and refuse to change their ways for the belief that they know that something good will come out of it all. Unfortunately, I am one of these stubborn people. Maybe I just won’t learn to stop giving in to intuition and continue to become a fool.

It has been my character to trust easily, relying heavily on word of mouth telephone conversations to get to know people who suddenly enter my life. I have this knack of immediately falling for girls, even if I haven’t had the chance to be with them. Despite numerous warnings from dear friends and family members, I still choose to stand by what I believe in, that of which is to accept people in equal footing with actual people in real life.

I haven’t had much luck lately. I have just been from a failed marriage where my ex–wife was having an affair under my nose without my knowledge. This was based on trust since all the while I thought marriage was a secure and sacred thing that people would respect. I was wrong. Unknown to me, there was already an affair going on and I just let it happen. Too much for relying on trust in marriages is it not?

Then after some months, I tried my hand in courtship. I went as far as trying to be super nice, playing dumb and giving in to all their needs. After all that has been said and done, it turns out, none of the efforts were rewarding. I went through three courtship engagements, all of which failed and kept me at an all time low. The last one was the most bitter. I really thought she loved me. As I found out, it was only I who wanted to believe in it.

But thanks to writing and keeping myself busy, I was able to recover and find meaning by simply working my butt off through working practically 24/7. What else was there to ruin my life in its prime stages?

Then came this girl, who was supposedly an ex-girlfriend of my ex-wife’s current bf. They had a relationship concurrent to what they have now. Feeling pitiful and sorry for the girl, I offered help to the extent of taking her in and offering to help her get the life that is due to her. She is still young and has a lot to experience. I even went to the extent of buying a new phone and get a prepaid line that was solely dedicated to her. I racked up telephone bills that most people would call crazy. Never missed a beat and texted or called her at anytime she was available. What the heck was I doing?

At some point, I was already on the verge of giving up since I was already in a stage of confusion, what is it with this girl that keeps me motivated and attracted? I haven’t even seen her but yet I feel like I owe it to help her in my own sincere way. She supposedly had plans of living near me, but for some reason, there is always a delay in the plans. To top it all off, just a week ago, she claimed to have lost her phone when somebody snatched it from her while she was out. The funny thing about it was all this time she told me that the phone never left the house and all of a sudden it gets snatched from no where? Quite a coincidence.

I got a message the next day from an unknown number asking if this was my number and telling me about the ordeal. With nothing to do, I simply replied with an OK message and waited, waited and waited. I sent one message asking her friend to tell her to e-mail me. No replies and no e-mail.

One day, I thought of asking my daughter what she would look for in a partner I would choose and among the girls she knew around me, who would be closest to her heart. None of them made the grade and when I brought up the name of the girl, she just told me to wake up. Anybody associated with my ex-wife is up to no good.

As it stands, it took a 16 year old girl to open my eyes and bring me back to reality. There is no reality in imaginary friends. I will admit that I was hurt by it but as always, I just shrug it off and try to get back to my senses. It is apparent that the girl has informally said goodbye and to hear from her again would become a miracle.

Why has God given me this kind of life? I haven’t the slightest idea. Maybe it is the price for being successful in career, giving me custody of my daughter or being too nice to people around me when in the end they would just be using me. I am in no position to question the Lord, but with no one decent to talk to, all I can do is go to what I best recourse to, that is of writing with all my heart.

I always catch myself staring blankly. Thinking of the past, the present and the future. What does life have in store for someone who has been forced to mature early and feel like he has grown old through the years? Questions and setbacks are aplenty in this colorful life that God has given me. I guess I just have to hold back my emotions and start to live life in reality. Believing in old practices which were instilled by my forefathers is simply frustrating.

I can only wish the people who contributed to these setbacks a hearty good luck. Thank you for making me believe and making me look like a fool. For what it is worth, this fool will always remain as he is, a fool for all seasons.