A Beautiful Mind and A Confused Heart

Keeping my mind busy and doing a lot of things simultaneously will truly get my thoughts to good use. Maybe this is why I opt to be hyperactive and take on work as much as I can. There is not question that I am still mending the pains of what has transpired for the past months, not to mention the sudden aloofness of people who I respected and liked so much. I just take them in stride, adding them up to experience and realizing the proper weight they have in my future. Sad and demoralized, people make choices, and I guess I made mine.

To love again is not among my immediate priorities. I am afraid to love again and made a fool of again. I couldn’t care less of not having someone around other than Vanessa. She is all that is left from a once promising life I thought I had. To start all over again with someone new seems academic at this point.

Some one pop the question, would I have plans of marrying again? Would I love again? I ask myself the same question everyday and the answer is thin line of emptiness. It doesn’t seem to be important right now and majority of the people I admire at one time or another, even if they deny it, would be better off with someone who can give them less complications. I envy these people, even the not so great friends I have. I may excel in work, organizing, sports and business endeavors but like most people, you simply cannot have it all. Maybe this is why I don’t give love much thought anymore even though I must admit, I look and think of someone I wish would be there to once again open my eyes to lifetime partnership.

Basketball, Victory and Goodnight?

Tiring Day! I spent practically 12 hours taking care of the basketball team and doing my duties for our barangay. I was at the basketball court since 12 noon, and helped in managing the team since the opening is coming soon, actually, 2 weeks! Now I really need to cram!

Well, this is something I love to do, and something I vowed to accomplish. I owe it to the kids to build on the sports programs that I have set for the village, and hopefully this will be another banner year like last year when competition was really close and fun. No thanks to some friends who backed off at the last moment for one reason or another, I find myself doing the work even for the other villages! Politics and personal problems geez, its one of those times where people are hard headed and don’t get along.

Guess who is caught in the middle AGAIN! ME! For Crying Out Loud!

Highlights:
Well we won handily for our 3rd straight win in the Mayor’s Cup Tournament here in San Juan.
Impressed with the Midgets Team since I have challenged them to do better because they are the defending champions!
Help from the players in creating a dream team to allow the players to participate in the tournament.
A weird text message from someone who I have no idea of why she suddenly sent me a SMS message on my phone. Well, sweet as it was, she is one of the persons I am trying to avoid. No more heartaches and disappointments, no room for them right now. She has enough friends without me. Harsh am I not? Can you blame me? I have misinterpreted people for many occasions and I choose to stop and move on. It won’t matter to her anyway even if she would know.

Choices, Decisions and Farewells

It is not secret that I am going aloof to some friends. I have chosen to move on and well, leave the past to where it is. We all have to make choices, and whatever the decisions is, it may eventually lead to farewells. Hard at first, but there may be a lot of factors, like love, security and happiness. Remember, happiness entails sacrificing, and this includes people as well. Even if you think you were close, well, that is all there is, thinking you were close.

There were some people I considered close. Some which faded when I finished my studies. Far or nearby, you can immediately feel if the friendship is meant to grow into something fruitful. But non-communication, responses or anything that is very much different from the days before is already a sign of something wrong. It is a known fact that when people fall in love, friends take a back seat. I am already used to this, and my usual action is to just back off and disappear for a while. Why push for something where you will just cause trouble. It is better to just shut up and keep mum on the matter.

Tonight, I was invited to two parties. I refused to go to both and just said I had already other commitments. Truth is I didn’t, I just didn’t feel like going. Some of the friends I am referring to are there and to go to one would be unfair and raise eyebrows. The first one is because the person is there, and well, I am not a good pretender that nothing is happening as to why the person is avoiding me. I mean, like why spoil a gathering when there is friction or where I won’t enjoy right?

I am slowly going back to my normal life, quiet and simple. I am not much of an outgoing person, and that is proving to be evident. I love to help people, but other than that, well, retreat and surrender to anything. I’d rather keep a low profile, walk in the dark and just see who will need my company and assistance in the long run. By company I mean, someone who will accept me for who I am, love me for who I am and need me for who I am. I said it before and I will say it again, I do not believe in forcing someone into something that she will not understand wholeheartedly. Sad to say, that person was someone I was going to see tonight. Farewells are best said by no shows and quietness. I guess I did just that and finally put an end to anything that was bothering me for the last year about her.

The Poison of Money cured by Ambitious Children

Surprisingly, gone are the days of nobleness and loyalty. Yes money can buy anything right now. No legal issues involved. Think about how money plays its role here, you give out money to spend for a grand wedding, you spend money to impress people, and you also spend money to resort to legal cases as annulment, legal separation and maybe divorce if it was existent in the Philippines.

Today, handling things should disregard emotional effects. Once you let emotions come in, you will automatically lose. Wearing a poker faced mask, well some people have no problem in it, especially when they are able to buy the relatives and people around. The modern day hero, simple, and reserved who believes in aiming for heights the traditional and professional way would choose not to follow and get himself entangled to a web of mischief and uncertainty, adding woes to an already emotionally stressed track record.

Well maybe not all is lost. A promising future, advanced knowledge, friends around (well maybe not all the time, I can only name three immediately), and a burning passion for success and fulfillment. All other than this, well, they mean nothing for now.

Will I marry again? Not now for sure. Life is complicated enough as it is and having my daughter adjust to a new partner may not be fair. Regardless if she denies it, it is still different being with your real mother. But I am proud of my daughter, although a little bit off track at times, she has proven to be a better person under my tutelage and that alone is an accomplishment. In time I know she will truly learn the meaning and value of life. I just want to see the day that she does so. Perhaps that would be the end of the chapter of my life, a golden one at that, for no one would be more happier, than a father who was once tagged to be irresponsible yet through the accomplishments of his only prized possession is a trophy larger than all my medals and trophies put altogether. Mission Accomplished! --- A matter of time and growing up…

True Great Leaders, Politics and Honor

It takes a great person to admit his guilt, bow his head, and slowly stay out of the limelight. This is one thing that most people have a hard time doing, especially people who have been accustomed to a certain lifestyle or have been empowered. The reason? Shame? Afraid of Humiliation? While it is true that such may be evident, it is something what will have to be faced eventually. There is no escaping such things, and continuously fighting for something that is obviously pointless will lead to aggravate the situation, not to mention the credentials of the people. Unless of course they are likened to some people who are in the local political scene of this once great country, from the president down towards the political figures, may God have mercy on their souls. It is better to have a clear conscience than cheating people. Oh did I say cheating people? I got plenty of those from my personal life to the social life. Well, life goes on for me and while they may have put one over me, sad to say, I couldn’t care less.

I have a mission to fulfill, and till my last drop of blood and sweat, I will abide by it. I know I am no superman, but maximizing the effort for all my aspirations, these are only for a certain extent and not to aim for worldwide fame and fortune. I am already blessed with a good daughter and family, three best friends coming from different educational ventures, and the rest, well, I don’t know for now, maybe eventually they will be closer to me.

A partner you say? Hmmm. Tough question, but if I were to answer that at this moment, still nothing and I guess unless I feel that magic of having someone outside my daughter again, I guess it will remain that way. There are some around, but they may be summed up to show different calculations and misconceptions, hence if they feel the same way, I will know if it was really meant to be. One thing more, I do not want to presume anymore and just want to plainly be myself…

Changing Times, Changing Guards

Accepting defeat, living on your own and facing the worst, these are the problems I have chosen to face. I should have known better than to ask for help from people I thought would be able to help, but regardless, I already knew beforehand that I had an uphill battle to which I am ready to face. Even some years back, I already expected this, always wanting to do things my way, facing them in the manner I deemed fit. Not even a superhero can have the guts to face these problems alone, both mentally and psychologically. Besides, they have their own problems, and much as I do have my own, I still manage a simple grin or smile to hide them away.

I have been carrying a load, I still reminisce about old time my daughter and I had a complete family. But money does change everything and who can blame anyone from enjoying life by resorting to even the immoral deeds. Even if I do have a hard time, knowing I am living a clean life and doing as I was educated is enough for me to be proud of. Most people of today would not value it as much as I do, but given the chance, I would want to stick to the conservative life and pray that these people would stay away from me.

The world is full of users. It is hard to trust anyone you have not tried and tested. Friends will be there but for how long. The valued friends will remain, and in anyone’s heart and mind, they will be able to know. Even if you have 100 friends, only one-tenth of that is sure to be true to you. The other are just there purely to tag along, but to consider them and open up to them your secrets, well, think twice before doing so, because sometimes, worst enemies come from allies that you thought could be trusted.

Inter MBA Awards Night 2006 and an Angry Angel

T’was a night for recognition. All the school I had played against were there, host UST, San Beda, Asian Institute of Management, arch nemesis De La Salle University (which happens to be my former school in college by they way) and of course my school Ateneo Graduate School of Business, the over-all champs. My only reason for being there is to share the night with my co-athletes and mingle with my friends who participated in the other events. I played in Bowling and Basketball, both champions in their own events. Being a member alone is already a fulfillment for me.

My best friend Blue Viray was there and we talked about various things, including current issues about the bowling team and future undertakings. Everyone was in a jolly mood. I was until a close friend of mine called me and became upset that she was not informed. I made the proper invitation in our Yahoo Groups but as I found out, she never accepted the invitation for some reason. Hencel, more than just a dear friend to me if she only knew (or does she?), was among the first ones I invited into the group, making it a lot weirder why she did not join the group. Her great boyfriend is not good buddy of mine, someone who despises me so much for more reasons than one, one of which was knowing I tried to court her girlfriend late last not knowing they were already on. Add to this that I made the basketball team and he didn’t all the more made him uncomfortable, but unlike him, I have been through many battled and even if I did not make the team, it wouldn’t be such a big deal geez. Charge it to experience. I was only invited to try out, but I did not set my hopes high like him.

Anyway, back to the party. I was surprised that I found myself receiving the basketball championship award for the school. The council president had to attend to something so he asked me to receive the trophy on behalf of the school. I was flattered of course, since for one, I was never instrumental in anyway for the team. I was content with making it to the team and nothing else. I suddenly had a dandy idea! I asked the whole team to come with me on stage to receive the award since they more deserved to hold it than me.

When our team was called, I led them to stage, receiving handshakes and high fives from UST players whom we fought in the finals. We all stood tall and received the award, something meaningful for the school. I was just glad to receive it for them.

What really gave me the sense of fulfillment was the fact that I was part of the team that regained the crown we lost last year. This is my last year with them, and being part of something important to them, and receiving it on their behalf was more than honoring. I have decided to retire from basketball to allow my injuries (hamstring and groin injuries, firsts in my entire playing career!) and focus on my writing and professional work. It was a year worth remembering and surely next year I will continue to support Ateneo, not anymore as a player, but as a loyal spectator in the stands! For Hencel, well we already talked and ironed things out, but as I told her, she is the LAST person I would not want to be with on such a special night. If she was there, I would have asked her to join me in accepting the award as well, since I am not known to hog the limelight for people who are more deserving than me. Congratulations Ateneo Graduate School of Business…. It has been a privilege indeed!

College Day Hepatitis and Marital Issues

I remember my bout with Hepatitis A during my college days, I was about to graduate and I really abused my body as far as nightlife, alcohol and cigarettes were concerned. I wasn’t married yet but I had a cute angel called Vanessa from my former wife. I must admit, it was these times I was not yet as responsible as what people would say a good father was. I aimed to finish my studies despite already being delayed for two years and prove to my estranged wife, family and especially myself that I can accomplish this so they will not look at me so low. As it seems, my unfortunate in-laws would have no high regards for me, calling me a failure and putting me down all the time. My ex wife would call me a nobody, since I had to rely from my parents and grandparents for support our baby and all I could give was a measly P2,000.00 support per month during that time. Times were hard, and it went to the extent of her parents pushing her to look for someone else, a tycoon who owned one of the largest car companies in the Philippines to this day.

Frustrating and down as I was, I just set this occurrence aside and made it my driving factor. It was at this time that only my mom understood what I was going through and all I could say then, I would get over this dilemma some day. But if there was one thing I somehow managed to wish was that once the time comes and my baby would be a lady, she would come to me. Or at least I believed in that personally.

I remember the time when I would see them on weekends, slowly; my daughter would be growing up. I had hard feeling towards my ex wife but not on my daughter for I knew she was not aware of what was going on. Besides, like me, kids would usually go with their mothers when their parents are separated. I just enjoyed these moments with a heavy heart, contenting myself being happy with the situation.

At school, this indeed affected me. My total focus was not there. I kept on thinking of my future, both personally and professionally. While I excelled in some subjects, I also had my share of letdowns. I soon found myself being addicted to alcohol. Every night I would drink an average of 8 bottles of beer, regardless of where I was. I drowned my sorrows in alcohol and smoked till my lungs would give. Suicide? Nah, maybe I just wanted to see how far my health would take me. Sports was still there for me, being the athletic person I am.

It was on a day where I emceed a seminar when I started to feel strange. I felt dizzy, not having any appetite and all I wanted to do was drink liquids. At first, I thought it was just out of being too busy so I didn’t really mind it. I drove home and just prepared a jug full of iced tea to get me through the day. I still barely had the appetite to eat. I just went to bed and slept.

I woke up the following day feeling a lot weirder. I was really not feeling up to it, but yet I rose from my bed and went to attend our usual afternoon basketball game at the village. I could barely keep up with my friends. After 4 games, I became weaker and I immediately went home, catching my breath and immediately slept. The next day I couldn’t really get up and felt weaker and weaker. My mom checked on me and asked me why I was not eating for the past 3 days. She called my dad and they immediately brought me to my aunt who was a practicing doctor then at De Los Santos Medical Hospital. After a series of tests, it was confirmed that I had Hepatitis and that I had to be admitted. It was my first time to be admitted in a hospital and I must say that it being the first time, I had mixed emotions. I was wondering how it felt to be in a hospital. The experience made me accept that being hospitalized was very uncomfortable as it was.

Among my visitors was my best friend Byno, my grandparents Alfredo Nicdao from my mother’s side, and Amado and Demetria Yalung from my father’s side. And of course someone whom I least expected came because my mom told her about what happened, my estranged wife. I was never a man known to solicit pity but her presence indeed was surprising. She returned to singing in night clubs, something I really hated and well, just went with the flow. I have no idea if Vanessa knew about it, but she was too young then to understand. She was only 3 years old back then. It was at this time that we decided to get married, something I only found out now was a wrong decision.

I never knew the real reason why we got married, but in a way I am glad since my daughter officially went under my name and today she is with me. She is all grown up and reaching that stage where I made that drastic mistake. Everyday I remind her to make the most out of her life, enjoy and don’t rush into marriage to avoid what I went through. I owe it to my daughter to enjoy her life and make sure she does not go through what I went through, because anyone who would ruin her life at my expense will get what is due to him at my expense as well.

For me? Well, I haven’t really tackled my personal life to this day. Having someone is still not registering on my mind and my immediate goals is to save up, give my Vanessa a good education (She passed her 3rd Year without having to take summer classes! A big sigh of relief and making me proud and stomping over the people who did not believe in her!) and once God permits, get our own home. I believe I can attain this without asking help anymore from my parents. It is best they just concentrate on my other brother and sisters since I am not known to beg for help. I would rather help than be helped. Besides, asking for help and then finding out they would help my younger siblings is something I would rather not think about. Then again, that is another story…

Measuring and Value of Friends and Partners

Up to what extent can you measure the value or depth of friendship by people around you? How would you be able to properly determine the purpose of friendship? Are you dispensable? In times of needs, who would be around to stand with you? Are you being used or abused?

Questions, questions and more questions. Most of us meet new people everyday, especially for us who are active in social gatherings and activities both in the professional or personal aspect. Business or pleasure, there will always be people around to test the waters and in most cases classify as to what level of acquaintance you are to them. There are of course people like me, the gullible ones who give their all out trust. Cheerful and who can easily fit into a crowd, that certain circle of friends will not be around for long. Maybe one or two, but ever since my high school days, I have only chosen to keep a few. It is no secret that most of the people I knew then until now are only around in times of need. If they have use for you, expect them to be around, but after that, expect them to disappear. This scenario can be likened to something like to a child, if they ask you to come out and play, you play, but when it is your turn, one of among the millions of excuses will be heard. The verdict? Plain and simple, these people always want to be on the advantage. For them, there is no room for failure. Misunderstanding or misinterpretation? I don’t think so. This can go on as far as your partner in life, regardless if you are married or not. Think of it, why would someone stay with you if you only give them burdens like fights, quarrels etc.

This may sound like sour grapes from a complete stranger, but hey have you ever stopped and thought bout it? Surely you don’t think that all people are angels who have clear consciences. Whether they admit it or not is pointless. As in standard practice, they will always deny it, something that most people are good at. It may even come to a point where they would reverse the fortunes and make you look the bad guy. In my opinion, who cares?

I only have a couple of best friends. People who are always there in times of need. They don’t care on who you are, what you look like, or what your past is. Sad to say, I have made mistakes. First impressions, making you think you were special. But once you are a has been, they leave you out in the cold.

My resolution? Well, for me, move on and start staying away. Real friends will be there no matter what. Some things are best left unfinished. I think it’s high time to stop making myself believe that these people are special to me and vice versa. Life is so short and I have all the riches a man, father, colleague and son could have. For my FORMER friends whom I had high regards, it was nice knowing you. Sometimes, users and pretenders will have their day in court. Just don’t expect me to be as forgiving and understanding when that time comes.

A Burn Out and Recovery Period

Moving on, trying to organize my thoughts, prioritizing my goals. Well, these are just some of the things going on around my mind right now. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. Some months ago, I felt like I could do anything. Take on more than one job, aside from this job in trying to make a venture grow and become a hit. While I am confident I am on the right road, I wanted to excel in my writing profession as well. Internet related work cropped up one by one, and I found myself handling more jobs than I can handle. Talk about keeping myself busy, I think I am on the verge of a burn out. Focus is no longer there, and the fire I once had is missing. I am struggling right now to find my identity once again; the hyperactive child in me is still on vacation.

How to find it again? Well unlike in previous years of success, I am on a downward slide. Don’t know why though. Maybe because of certain setbacks, losing confidence or maybe it’s because I simply chose to concentrate on my own life and am still in dreamland. I just hope I don’t get to convenient with my setup. I hope to make something out of these plans. Patience is there but time is not cooperating. Problems exist but I choose to try and live with them, no matter how hard they are. Friends are around, but I think it is time for me to move on and look for better paths. If I have grown up from my past experiences, I guess I have to get towards the next stage, and that is to try and make something out of my long term goals.

As far as individual accomplishments, I think more or less I have attained them already. With so much to learn and experience, I believe that the best is yet to come. I yearn for comfort and success up to this point. But it is really more of wanting icing on my success as a father, friend, son and big brother. There are all that matter right now, and with God’s guidance, I believe that I will someday see the light for what is due to me and the people around me.

Loving Algebra, Trigonometry and Mathematics

I recall the days when I can call myself a nerd in some ways. Focused on my studies, aiming for high grades and joining quiz bee contests, especially Mathematics, yes mathematics as in algebra, geometry and trigonometry. For me these subjects were like playtime as I rarely studies and considered it a game of mix and match.

It was something my parents back then were proud of. I barely wanted to use a calculator and wanted to do calculate things manually. I really can’t explain my technique. It was like being programmed in my mind such as the usual a+b=c or x(y+1)=xy+x. All were stored in my memory and I think it was really more on interest that lead me to breeze through these subjects. I even took up statistics for elective, much of my classmates then were from the cream of the crop, accelerated students.

The other day, Vanessa was telling me about her remedial classes in Trigonometry. Somehow I got caught back, when she recited some squared numbers like 25 x 25 = 625. To be honest, I had to think now hahaha. Not as fast as I used to be. And now it seems like she is slowly getting the hang of it. In a way I see myself in her, but she still lacks the commitment and discipline to understand how it all works. I believe she can be the best in her class if she chooses to, but that may be pushing it a bit. After a year she will be in college, and I hope that she learns that one day, all these things will be gone and she will have all the time in the world for friends and other activities she longs to do. For the moment, it is a matter of sticking to the basics of growing up and gaining education. Because one day, she will truly be looking back and wanting to learn more and prove not only to me but to the people who are putting her down, that she is truly gifted with wisdom and can be the best if she wants it badly.

A Weekend of Victories!

Finally the long and chaotic season is over! It took 3 games, but finally the crown has been rightfully returned to its rightful owner…. THE AGSB Blue Eagles Men’s Basketball Team! The victory was the icing on the cake for the successful season, giving Ateneo Graduate School of Business the overall title in grand fashion. Controversies are still up in the air, but only for one school… a school that had nothing else to do but sour grape and cry foul, geez and to think we are all would be PROFESSIONALS.

It was a great ride, an honor for me as well, since this is my first time to be part of the basketball team, something which up to know puzzles me as to how I made the final cut. What makes it sweet is regaining a prized event invested so much by the school, not to mention gathering new friends whom I have grown to know better. All the time, sacrifice and effort was worth it!

Anyway, it’s back to my old life, taking care of Vanessa, working my butt off in the office and my writing obligations. By the way, I had another victory yesterday, scrapping off Saturdays from our work schedule--- YES!!!! More time to sleep hahahaha!

Professionally, I was able to compare and prove to the board that my sales projections are on target, and this not only proves to them that they got the right guy for the job, but I proved to myself that this job was indeed a right move last year! It was a weekend of victories, something that I will forever look back when I want to wear a smile on my face!!!!

An Empty Space...Defying Odds...Growing Old

Where do I go from here? Well, this is a question that I would ponder on, especially at times when a question pops up from my friends and relatives…Who will be with you when you grow old? Who will take care of you? You can’t go on being alone forever. If I were to answer this now, my instant answer is I can live with it, I have been used to it for majority of my life, not having someone who is consistent and who will love me for who I am, what I am, and what I believe in. My former wife tried to do this, but she didn’t have the patience or the belief in me. So while it did hurt to know that she went off with another guy, I just stand up, and tell myself, well, this is nothing new. Through all my life I have been used to wanting to achieve things on my own sweat, and this should not be an exception. I am known to defy all odds, make the impossible happen, well, the biggest test lies in my personal life, my once rocky married life.

Besides, I already have my trophy with me, something more precious than any other item or currency can bind. A lovely daughter named Natazha Vanessa Yalung. Seeing my daughter walk with her head up high and aim to achieve various things in the same way I did in my life is more than enough reward for me to think of anything else for myself. My life is never about myself. It is about helping other stand up and build their paths. This is what is more important to me, something I want to see from my peers and friends. Their success is already an achievement for me.

About companionship, I have totally fallen out of it. I have grown to become independent, caring less of what my future has in store for me. I have met some people, some I would love to fill that empty space, but unfortunately, priorities change and with my situation, I do not see them properly filling that space. I admire a lot of girls, but to call it love and truly have them support me is totally different. The most important thing above anything else is seeing them take their lives responsibly and not wasting their time and making decisions that are so arrogant. I have gotten into these relationships for the past year, and sad to say, this has always been my observation. Like I said, a person helping himself or herself will truly be someone I can relate to. Sad to say, no matter how much I push myself to it, the feeling is simply not there. So why bother getting into a relationship, if it is deemed to die from the first day. May as well face the world and take on challenges and opportunities as they come my way….alone and aggressively.

My Last Ride with the Ateneo Blue Eagles

It was our final practice before the big championship game on Sunday. We could have finished the finals last Sunday but as fate would have it, a decisive match was in the works. Well, all is not lost. But I am glad to see the response of the people who came to practice, sacrifice and sweat it out for perhaps the final time I will be with these guys. All that is needed now is to wait for that faithful day, hopefully we can be able to regain the crown which the school lost last year to the same team we are now facing on Sunday. While there has been changes in the lineup, I am honored to be part of the team, something I wasn’t really expecting considering there are a lot of young legs than me, and additionally, my prone to injury, owing to age and wear and tear of my body.

I do not play a vital role in this team. Just a supporter as far as I am concerned. My last hamstring injury is still hurting, and an added groin injury I suffered two weeks ago has rendered me totally a spectator. I am totally out of shape, I can’t even last one quarter with the young turks. Cheering them on, supporting my teammates in whichever way I can is what I can best do at this point. But regardless of what happens, I know we can come on top. I have never been so confident on my teammates compared to before. This is ours for the taking and ours to lose.

I have lost interest in inviting friends and colleagues of the school. Perhaps they do not share the same commitment as I have for the school. If in the second game I was persistent, for this final trooping to the court, I chose not to bother. All I care about now is to be with my team till the end. I will not be drawn to begging and soliciting support, for I know the team can function without it. We got this far without such support, and all I wanted was to share with them the distinction of being the best. Whatever happens on Sunday, win or lose, I am proud of this team. Heads held up high, and sing that alma matter song for possibly the last time. To the guys, it has been a privilege working with you!

Something to Prove...MBA Flashbacks

I find myself right now in a very confused state. One year ago, I had my eyes on this girl. Typical Filipina, alluring eyes, she has that smile that can make anyone smile back and fall on their knees. She is about to take her final step prior to graduation, something I have finished last year. Not to take anything away from her, she is in a state of panic, same as her other friends, whom I had to chat up with when I passed by the school last Tuesday night. It was a night of intense ranting on how to go about their last hurrah in finally obtaining their MBA title. I asked my self why they are in such a state, when I was calm during my time, even having the time before to attend to other chores as my social responsibility to the kids and my village. Makes me wonder, how was I able to do it?

Anyway, in the same way that I cannot say no, I was in a bind yesterday. My dilemma was her boyfriend was not so fond me of me seeing her, and much as I would cherish being with her, I had to beg off initially, citing problems that may come along the way. I already experienced something like this in my past marriage life, and to make a wrong thing right, I would want to avoid doing it to somebody else, even if I hated his guts so much. It would be foolish for me to admit that I don’t have feelings for her anymore. I still do. I had moments of telling her that. Had all the right opportunities. I just couldn’t find the right time and spoil the evening.

I met up with her yesterday, showed her the initial drafts. We were together for about 5 hours, discussing her problem and personal issues as well as history between our lives. For one reason or another, she kept on asking me if I really didn’t want to be her guide. What was I to do? Here is someone, whom I couldn’t say no, and yet I am in the thin line of agreeing and turning back. After much discussion, I agreed to help her but I still have doubts on whether Mr. Perfect would intervene. I also need to help someone else, someone I courted before, but my emphasis will be on the first one, since she asked me first and well, I could see she will really need my help. I do not look at the output of this as long as I can lend a helping hand. Whatever outcome, maybe in a way, I still want to help her, but the most important thing is to be with her, probably for the last time.

For what’s it worth, it will be more of an honor for me to serve her, spend time with her. Whether she feels the same way, I will never know. But just the same, regardless of what comes out of it, I will be content seeing her walking down that aisle and receiving her diploma, in the same way I did last year, with only my mother and daughter seeing me shed my tears of joy for a hard earned degree.

My Baby is now a Lady

Slowly and surely, my daughter is being exposed to the outside world. Meeting new friends, both boys and girls, giggles and laughter from some mischievous things, slowly knowing the need to focus on her studies and prove to people who doubted her that she is more than what they think.

She has occasional faults, sometimes taking these things for granted. I don’t blame her. This is the stage of balancing fun with responsibility. But I do get surprised at her, how she is able to raise funds on her own to be able to go on camps, malling with her friends. I keep on wondering how she does it.

During my birthday last week, she got me a cake, her favorite cake of course! Hahaha. And a card which contained a message which brought tears in my eyes. She does not know it, but through that card, I was able to see something that she inherited from me that I would want her to pursue. My knack of getting quotes and expounding on them, this was something I never thought Vanessa would do. And I am proud! I just pray she continues it, besides, she is more than everything to me, and though I am not vocal about it, I hope that through my actions and commitment to being a complete parent, she would appreciate it if not now, then one day.

Looking Back... Moving Forward...

Funny how time flies. Treasure some memories, seeing old faces, reminiscing bout the good times. Most of them would bring a smile to my face, but also bring some forgettable moments at that. Some would haunt me to this day, some would not. But one thing that’s for sure, seeing old faces you have not been communicating with in the past year truly warms the heart.

Actually, flings, links to people will only be natural. Seeing them again will bring mixed emotions, unexplainable feelings. Laughing about them, or just choosing to change the topic. How I wish I had a time machine to relive those moments. I bet most people would want this as well, memories are treasures that are irreplaceable and will forever be on the person’s memories.

There was supposed to be a gathering sometime this week. I couldn’t wait to go there, see old friends and share old times. But then again feelings cannot be commanded and it would be selfish of me to think of spoiling a gathering for people who would be better of enjoying this rare occasion. I am just a man, a normal man and stepping back is something that can be termed as a “gentleman’s gesture” as said to me by my best friend, the organizer of the whole thing.

Why bother to complicate a life that has been devoted to purely fulfilling tasks and taking care of my only precious gift, that of which is my daughter. Nothing else matters right now, and maybe, just maybe I will still believe in what I stand for, that of which is to stay alone for now. Adding problems is something I can surely do without for now. And outside my daughter and family, I don’t really want to inherit another person in my circle of trust, if they are not deserving. Not meant to be harsh, but if you truly are who you claim to be, then maybe it can be done without bounds. But if there are people who are more deserving than my friendship and care, I am always prepared to step back of the limelight and give you center stage. Heck I don’t even want to be in the limelight for all I care.

A note for the people who want to see me fall, I will not waste my time enumerating who you people are. I don’t care who you are, and what you are. I have a life to live, so I guess you should start thinking of one as well. A special note to pretenders, one final request… please lay off and let me be in peace.

Used and Abused: Is It Relevant?

Funny how good guys really finish last. They shy away from the limelight and well, like the true gentlemen that they are, they keep their poise and composure and just act as normally as possible. Just to do a good deed, make their friends happy, be helpful in any way and don’t ask anything in return. That would typically be people who would just want to fit in.

I have been there. Well, I have met some and learned bit by bit. It does hurt at times, but hey who is complaining? Being gullible should not be the escape button to such. It’s probably in the nature of my personality, wanting to be a helping hand to anyone, but naturally within bounds. I believe that for every good deed, that feeling of warmth and that you have made someone happy is more than enough reward for a valiant effort.

Friends will tell me to shape up, learn when to say “No”. I have a hard time pleasing them, knowing when I have been spoon feeding people who come to me. All I can say is, if it was only natural for me, then it would not be so hard to do.

Used? Maybe, but I don’t care. The only good thing is I can separate my valued friends from the pretenders. Abused? Well perhaps in a way, but then again, who am I to judge people. All I care about is being helpful and making sure that I can extend that helping hand whenever the need arises. Besides, it’s not like I want to run for office or anything. I am just simply being plain me and that is all that counts. If people accept me for whom I am, my advanced thanks to you. If not, well, it was nice to have served you.

Facing Tomorrow and Moving Forward

Call it a matter of being childish, or just simply trying to be strong and ignore something that meant so much to me. Yes a person is what I am referring to, but taking into account everything, all information, pros and cons, I need to show her I am strong. Besides, the chances of her knowing how much I care and well if given the chance, to actually show her that I care for her much more than I do to myself is no where in site. I guess, our worlds will never meet. I wouldn’t blame her, she has a promising career ahead, and well, she has beauty, looks, money, practically everything. So why bother having me around.

I am not used to this. I would often bow my head, flash her a smile even if deep inside I am hurting since I know that I cannot have her. Being technically married is among them. But one thing that is for sure, she cannot step beyond my relationship with my beloved daughter. No one can! I will never replace my love and relationship for my daughter with anyone else, even if it means staying alone till I grow old.

Its time to admit, she is better off with someone with less complications. All I have of her is a dream, somewhere where even the impossible can come true. I guess its just for the best. Why settle for a used has been when you can get a clean slated person to share your life with. Farewell to you my friend, but I think I have to move on with a heavy heart… if you still care.

Striving to be the Complete Parent

How do you put it hmmm. A single parent? Mother and Father? Well, this was what I always wanted to be for my daughter, who has now become a full grown teenager. I was never a good husband, but I am sure I can become a good Father to my daughter given the chance. Not only in terms of monetary support, but being there for her in her times.

Ideally, children would go with the mothers when their parents separate. But somehow, I find myself in a rare position. Being chosen alone over my estranged wife is something that warms my heart and gives me a reason to smile. I remember my daughter telling me, she never knew me that well when her mom was around, and all she got was I was a very bad father or husband. Proving this alone makes it a fulfilling stage for me. Not a happy one, coz before I still wanted a complete family. But priorities and times change. I would still follow the conventional practice and observe a conservative point of view. No matter what, I am proud of my daughter and I know she will appreciate that one day.

Never in my dreams did I imagine I would be in this situation. I always looked at myself as the worst person in this world. That entirely changed with Vanessa around. She may not know it, but every time she would say that I am not a bad father, thanks for everything Papa, I love you Papa…. I would shed a tear if I were the teary eyed person. My heart warms though, and she will never know this coz like her, I keep my feeling from her. In the genes I guess.

I love my daughter, and in the same way that I was brought up by my peers, enjoying life, sacrificing for my sake, it is my turn to do the same. Enjoying life in the pre-adult years is something worth treasuring. I should know…up to now, I still recall and enjoy those years of my life.