Monday, April 17, 2006

Padlocking Treasured Memories and Wishful Thinking

I look at the stars, recall the past, well, some maybe memorable and some forgettable for that matter. Life has its ups and downs and no matter how I look at it, the saying is true that people just cannot find the satisfaction needed for them. Love, money, and power, these are the basic things that most people would die to have but seriously, this is impossible. Having one or two of them may be possible, but the underlying factor is on whether you will be happy with them.

Think of it, how do people who have money define happiness? They can buy anything in the world except love or a person who will truly love them for who they are. On the other hand, people who are closely loved by many would usually no have the money to finance all their needs, and would usually have to earn and work hard just to satisfy these needs. The verdict? Well, if man was created to have it all, then what purpose would he have in this world? What would he strive for?

Most of us dream of having everything we can imagine, a close family, a house, luxury cars and a good professional career. But reality is, I have rarely found nor heard someone who had all of this without hang-ups. This is not to discount such possibilities, but perhaps the closest that a person can get into is when they are close to closing the book in their lives. Life offers a lot of opportunities for people, and to take on all of them at the same time is simply unimaginable. I have tried, being a good husband, good father, successful worker in my field of Information Technology, a good son and brother, and most of all a valued and good friend. During these times I thought I was a success, but I was wrong. Like I said, love and money won’t play good music together and that was the case when I lost my wife to someone who could give her the things I lacked, attention, love and demands. There are no regrets on why this happened to my life, and maybe there are awaiting opportunities for me, most of which I am not really expecting.

I would be stupid not to admit that losing someone you have had for the past 14 years does not affect me, but even if we had our misunderstandings, memories will always be there and those 14 years are not something to throw away. The longer a relationship goes, the harder it is to accept that it is finished. But as I told her before, wherever she is happy, I would understand. For some reason I do not know why the idea kept on playing on my mind, well, I guess I got my answer and well, even if I had known earlier, I would have not interfered since I keep my word.

If there is one thing that was a turning point is that my wish when I was in my 20’s that my daughter would come back to me at some point in my life, when she would already know right from wrong. That wish came true and it came at the moment I was able to finish something I had longed to finish, my MBA degree, something that I had delayed for long. The setup is different and taking if from Vanessa’s favorite quote “I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference!” When I first read that on my 36th birthday, my feeling was unimaginable, something that cannot be explained. I never thought I would see someone put a quote for me in any way, something no one has ever done ever since I was into relationships. That was the greatest gift I received this year, and I just ignored the rest.

With my situation right now, separated but not annulled, is something that most women would not accept and I am aware of that. There are girls who have come and gone, most of which I could understand. It hurts to know the reason but well, that is life. I just have to move on. Add to this that due to my numerous injuries from engaging in various basketball tournaments, have limited my means for regular exercise and I am slowly growing fatter, something that has contributed in people not wanting to be seen with me, even if they deny it. Hey! Looks are still what people go for, and sad to say I don’t have that anymore and well, I just turn my back and wave goodbye. Don’t want to mention names but these people would know who they are. Good luck to you and hope you find the person of your dreams. I couldn’t care less and at least this early, I can tell the type of personality that these people have, and even if it worked, it would not last long.

I have moment of loneliness and blankness. I remedy them by turning off the lights or cruising along the roads and listening to my favorite relaxing tunes “The Love Affair Piano Theme” by Ennio Morricone. Why do I like it? Don’t know, brings back memories I guess, and perhaps in the way the movie went, how I wish I would get to experience the same thing in due time, with Vanessa to witness it of course. As to whom I want it to be… I haven’t the slightest idea…

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