Sunday, November 19, 2006

Saying Farwell through a Christmas Lantern

From the start, it was something uncertain, unclear and a risk I had taken. There is no doubt that I already knew what would happen and knowing the risks, it was bound to near the end of something which only I wanted to work. The ordeal is not something that carried promises. There was no clear path as to where it would go as she is committed to someone else, and I having a complicated predicament from my failed marriage was too much too consider.

While I already laid down my cards and told her bout my true inner feelings, no reciprocation was expected. No demands, no promises and no expectations, it all had to come to a somewhat abrupt end. Thinking all the while that a person would appreciate someone who would keep his mind on that person only and not entertain other possible candidates or relationships that are coming here and there went the opposite direction, a shared view which only aggravated my chances, but then again, was not really something I would feel sorry for. I had already conditioned my mind to such an occurrence, and sad to say, I was correct in assuming that it will lead to nowhere. I am not the bad guy in this scenario. I never wanted to break up anything nor had any intentions. I was simply waiting for my time. But as things stand now, that time may never materialize and all I am left is with my career and close family loved ones such as my daughter to be happy with.

People have been advising me left and right. Don’t expect is what they tell me, something that I have become accustomed to. Do not ruin something that was bound by God. I always believed this even if I had become a victim in such a belief myself, losing someone which would ordinarily be a big blow to anyone for the weak at heart. God has plans for all of us, something that no one will ever know until the day comes.

Maybe I have become ignorant to love and relationships at this stage as I always feel that life is becoming shorter to prove a person’s success at my age. At 36, I feel I have been through a lot, and the only enjoyment I get right now is through family gatherings, work, and playing ball. As far as building on my relationship problems is concerned, it’s just a part of human life. It is not important if the right person is not by your side.

As for the title, this is something that will symbolize the sign-off. She had wanted this ever since the Christmas season started and I promised to buy her one. It was nice looking around and seeing which would make her smile. But after the series of conversations, it seems that after this, I am no longer expecting to hear from her as she made it clear that it is not a relationship we are having but only friends. Some people just do not understand how such remarks could hurt anyone, but being good at hiding things, I just simply took everything in stride.

I plan to give the Christmas Lantern this week, perhaps the last thing I would ever give her. I know that somewhere at the back of my mind that our last meeting may actually be the last. After delivering the said lantern, it is safe to say that this is a closed chapter in my life. Funny. Being the author of my life, I think I simply reached the page where I will start seeing the glossary and the appendices already. Perhaps another volume will be started. But in whichever case, I knew I did not do anything wrong. It hurts to live by principles and acceptance of defeat. But then again, life must go on and other areas of lives may need to be attended to, such as family and career.

Merry Christmas and farewell are all that is left. An early Christmas gift and
parting present that will hopefully settle things down for her own piece of

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Substitute: Simply waiting for His Crack at Glory

For people like me who have participated and joined teams, it is only natural to accept that better people in terms of skills and qualifications will be preferred over them. Being a sports buff in the aspect of competitive level, maturing to the stage of accepting that it will reach a point that giving way for the benefit of team play should always be the foremost important thing rather than selfish achievement and glory, something that most people feel should be the case.

This has rubbed off in all aspects of my life. Work, family, and even love and relationships, preference to be the only one capable of handling a job or task has become secondary in nature since a few years back. Some would say it the loss of interest and fire, setbacks to which frustrations would eat up the best in a person’s life. But honestly, it is more of maturing and looking at it more abruptly, being realistic and mature about such endeavors that all people go through everyday. Selfishness is what should be tagged to people who simply want to stay stubborn and refuse to accept reality that all skills and personal qualifications will definitely reach a point where they can be facing new blood with better qualifications with benefits as well.

As far as love and relationships, sorry as it may seem at times, its time to face the fact of age as well. We all do not get any younger and sometimes, looking at life as a game that may well be on the crossroads of ending should serve as an alarm into considering better things in life than forcing themselves on people who simply have no place for them. Self pity as it may seem to all, perhaps it is true, but personally, not the entire personality of individuals. A person suffering setbacks in love and relationship can always use that energy and transform it into productive energy as well, in the form of focusing on career and unfulfilled personal goals. Falling for people who are attached, well, that is becoming my destiny and instead of moping around, the best thing to do is concentrate on something else rather than sitting on the corner and feeling sorry for me. Why force the issue and waste time, when there are far better things to achieve for the little time that life allows us to have?

True, people may not always appreciate what sincere people truly have to offer. However, I always believed that anyone’s importance would be felt once they are gone. This holds true, especially for people who have departed due to old age, where their presence and attention will sorely be missed. To which I sometimes wonder, considering all the accomplishments and help in my own sincere way, perhaps some people would appreciate it in the future. But regardless if they do or not, it won’t really matter since I do not really crave for personal glory and acknowledgement, but rather just carrying out in my beliefs as a person, not asking nor wanting anything in return. Realizing the importance will come at times we least expect it. It is just too bad it always has to come to that point, the point where even their heart and soul are no longer what they were when that person first approached you.