Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Strong Mind and The Weak at Heart

I know I told myself I should be content with what I choose to follow, but well, I can’t help but admit that not being able to see this complicated scenario with this special someone has been taking its toll on me. That is the problem with me, once I set my sights into it, I have trouble sticking to my principles, bearing the brunt of this foolish feeling I have when I know it is close to impossible for her to love me as well. But being the hard-head I am, I guess this is how my life goes dating back to my bachelor days. I never wanted a simple life where I could find a simple girl who can simply love me for what I am. Well, then again, maybe there is something in store for me, maybe and maybe not.

They say life is not fair. While I partly agree with it, the other part that does not is more of my emotional side. You simply cannot have it all. So why do I choose the impossible things, not only in the aspect of relationships, but in everything that includes profession, friends, and teaching peers to endure in what I want to do. Perhaps it is because I always try to prove critics wrong and look on how to achieve the impossible. I have proven my theories in more occasions that once, but once I do, I have no place for a wide grin. It is more of a sigh of relief, pressure perhaps, but later on I would ask myself, pressure myself? For what? No one believes in you anyway so what is it for? Prestige? Payback? Does it really matter?

Well, rehabilitating myself at the moment to where I was back then when I put the fences up and kept out most people who would enter and try to be part of my life is something that is on at the moment. I have been there more times than anyone has perhaps gone to and by golly this is something that should be a walk in the park. Well, I am surviving in a way, but memories and flashbacks of the regular times I have been with her is similar to banging a hammer on my head. I know what I have gotten myself into, and unless a miracle ensues, I guess it will go on till I am unable to walk. By the way, for the past three weeks I experienced the difficulty of not being able to walk nor run normally, and this early I can say, it really sucks. Not being able to play ball, walking faster to catch up to time and worse, going on a forced diet from my favorite dishes, what a week!

To close this, someone from the past is lurking around. Hopefully not to bother me again as I have already made up my mind with the person I have admitted my feelings to. Basing it on experience, it is not far fetched that this person will soon show up, and am psyching myself up to be the meanest person so as not to allow my mellow side get the best of me again and lead me to another disastrous part of my life. Besides, I was already replaced by someone not only in her life, but towards her family, so it’s like trying to solve the economic crisis if she would step in again. For what its worth, please, please leave me, Vanessa and my dreams alone!

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