Sunday, October 29, 2006

As Fate Would Have It...

It has begun and I think its about time for me to focus on some other things outside my social life. Finding no remorse for the only person who was missing in my life, the void is there to stay, and I don’t really care if it will be filled up anymore or not. Trying to meet someone all over again seems a waste of time and as fate and destiny would have it, it is time to buckle down to business and start looking at personal goals and putting focus on the things I have yet to accomplish.

My belief where love and money do not mix is really something that I was never wrong. For people who can effectively balance their time and attention to both deserves a salute and a citation. Satisfying myself in the love area is something that really needs improvement, but then again, living the rest of your life and focusing on what you have now and passing it on to the next generation is an achievement already in its own. Perhaps one day, these young kids will look up to me and idolize what I have accomplished, but hopefully they will have a better social life, something I would not want them to follow as well.

For the person I adore, your life is a mystery to me, same as your true inner feelings, something I would rather not assume for you will never admit the real feeling. I have my own conclusions but I would rather have them confirmed by you when the time comes. If it does not reach that point, then I guess I was wrong. That way, it won’t be embarrassing nor hurting to note that all the while, the entire feeling was simply coming from a one way street.

Getting Nostalgic, What is there to Look Forward to?

Just got some good movies on DVD, some of which I wasn’t able to watch in the big screen some months ago, one of which was by my favorite actor, Adam Sandler. His movie, “Click” really hit me so hard and in some ways made me think of what my future would be like. I know it may be a fictional story but still the message was clear and apparent, making me realize what if I had a universal remote myself, would I be successful and would I value profession over family? I only have my daughter outside my real family and well, make me think, how I would handle the situation. So far, I guess I still manage to balance my time for my only prize from my distraught marriage and pouring on what I can give to her and my family members. But what if time would move fast and I would find myself finally alone, would anyone care?

Last week, someone told me something I still ponder to this day. This friend told me that not caring and just accepting what people see in me is a bad habit and may transform me into being isolated and caring less for what people would think. Insensitive and simply taking love for granted, well, it’s a bad occurrence as explained by her and that one day I may regret it. Then that movie, hmmm well it seems to make me think.

It is no secret that I have trained my mind to simply hang out with people who value me more than what I have to offer. People who simply want to get a hold of what I can give them, do for them and help them out with are pure figures that I have opted not to entertain anymore, something that I played dumb with in the past years after my broken marriage. Today, I simply satisfy myself by writing, working on my friend’s company and a couple of coaching stints. Outside that of one person who I really care for, I haven’t really had the drive to go out and party anymore, owing to the fact that I find it senseless being with people who look at life differently. No names need to be mentioned, I just simply took the easy way out by declining invitations to parties and gatherings. I would rather stay at home and think of ways to earn a living outside my normal workload.

It has come to a point on whether I would go back on my word of pursuing my professional career both as a writer and an executive and giving due importance to family. Never mind bout friendship, it is becoming more of a betrayal rather than a pact as of late. I would rather keep contact with a chosen few rather than a whole bunch that have disappeared one after the other. Do I care find out where they are? NOPE! I have chosen to move on and regardless if it is my last gasp of air or not, I don’t really care if they are still around to see me lose it.

For the only person I devote my leisure time outside that of my close family members, it’s nothing personal. I know where I stand and I know I can never find out the real score. But mastering the art of becoming numb has its benefits. Sometimes it’s better left unsaid. Friendship is the best she can offer; I have no objections about it. If that is what makes her happy, I respect it. As for me, I am just content being in the sidelines, a spectator who prefers not to be in the limelight, something I believe is for attention seekers, something I am certainly not.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Aiming High, Falling Short from the Goal

Last night officially ended my coaching for this year as far as competitive basketball is concerned. Similar to that of what happened to the younger generation some weeks back where we finished 3rd, my plight with the more older guys also gave out the same result, 3rd place and bowing to a team that seemed to have all the luck. Despite the loss, I still believe we could have won, but given the pressure and team politics, I was helpless to do my own strategies, with the fear of not being able to make everyone happy.

Anyway, I forwarded my intention not to coach anymore the team next year. Unlike the younger players, these people have the notion that they are better than me, so why bother arguing and rather let them do the coaching. I never insisted on being the coach and the burden that I went through is something that is truly hard to live on by any normal person. Discipline, cooperation and devotion, this is something that this team lacked compared to that of the younger boys who could have gone all the way if not for some underground game fixing by a team that used money to win. Pathetic I know, but maybe he should have jut bought a trophy with the payment he had given, it was cheaper! But for people, money isn’t everything, and buying games and taking out the purpose of it is their cup of tea. Too bad, but it only goes to show who the real losers are.

Going back, I still feel I lack the experience to coach in the technical aspect. Motivation is there, discipline and training and so on. It was an added feather to my long list of experiences and something I will cherish. Although if I would have gotten a championship, it would have been something to cherish. But being a rookie coach, many say it was a quite showing, so in a way it may have been something to look back on.

Next week is the start of a new training for the league of the kids. Actually there is also another one for the elder people, but honestly, I am not that at ease with it, and would rather coach the teenagers than them. Instead, I choose to just help out forming the team and get a coach who can handle them. I know my limits and coaching a team that is full of stars is too much to handle.

For now, I just want to lay back and recharge my wits. The coaching stint truly took its toll on me. Besides, my work needs more attention now. So you might say, I am on vacation as far as battering my mind again is concerned. Besides, the holiday season is just around the corner, its high time I spent time with my little tykes for the meantime, it is my time to look after them.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Strong Mind and The Weak at Heart

I know I told myself I should be content with what I choose to follow, but well, I can’t help but admit that not being able to see this complicated scenario with this special someone has been taking its toll on me. That is the problem with me, once I set my sights into it, I have trouble sticking to my principles, bearing the brunt of this foolish feeling I have when I know it is close to impossible for her to love me as well. But being the hard-head I am, I guess this is how my life goes dating back to my bachelor days. I never wanted a simple life where I could find a simple girl who can simply love me for what I am. Well, then again, maybe there is something in store for me, maybe and maybe not.

They say life is not fair. While I partly agree with it, the other part that does not is more of my emotional side. You simply cannot have it all. So why do I choose the impossible things, not only in the aspect of relationships, but in everything that includes profession, friends, and teaching peers to endure in what I want to do. Perhaps it is because I always try to prove critics wrong and look on how to achieve the impossible. I have proven my theories in more occasions that once, but once I do, I have no place for a wide grin. It is more of a sigh of relief, pressure perhaps, but later on I would ask myself, pressure myself? For what? No one believes in you anyway so what is it for? Prestige? Payback? Does it really matter?

Well, rehabilitating myself at the moment to where I was back then when I put the fences up and kept out most people who would enter and try to be part of my life is something that is on at the moment. I have been there more times than anyone has perhaps gone to and by golly this is something that should be a walk in the park. Well, I am surviving in a way, but memories and flashbacks of the regular times I have been with her is similar to banging a hammer on my head. I know what I have gotten myself into, and unless a miracle ensues, I guess it will go on till I am unable to walk. By the way, for the past three weeks I experienced the difficulty of not being able to walk nor run normally, and this early I can say, it really sucks. Not being able to play ball, walking faster to catch up to time and worse, going on a forced diet from my favorite dishes, what a week!

To close this, someone from the past is lurking around. Hopefully not to bother me again as I have already made up my mind with the person I have admitted my feelings to. Basing it on experience, it is not far fetched that this person will soon show up, and am psyching myself up to be the meanest person so as not to allow my mellow side get the best of me again and lead me to another disastrous part of my life. Besides, I was already replaced by someone not only in her life, but towards her family, so it’s like trying to solve the economic crisis if she would step in again. For what its worth, please, please leave me, Vanessa and my dreams alone!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

At An All Time Low

After being on top of the world, one of my most feared events has happened. I always believed that once a person reaches a certain level, it is scary to look at how far he will fall. So far, I haven’t really climbed up that high and here I am feeling down and awful for the past two weeks. Losses and physical injuries due to old age I guess have been popping out of nowhere and I am safe to say have been contributory markers to pulling down my adrenaline level.

As a coach, I have already experienced how it is to lose. While I have been asking for this for some time, it is at this time that I wished I would see the person who complements everything. But due to a busy schedule and prior commitments, this week’s meeting has been cancelled and well, here I am waiting again for my turn at her. While I will admit it was a bit painful not to see her, I recollect that even before I got myself into this, I am a secondary choice and that I am by no means a priority for her. After thinking things over, it all was good but still heavy to bear.

But I have no regrets. I am used to being down, again and again it is nothing new despite what most dear people would tell me. It is better to experience such feelings rather than waiting for them to rise at moments where you least and don’t want to see them. I still stand by my belief that a person’s happiness is still the best way to show her how sincere and caring I am and that there is no reciprocation necessary. It is something that is very well water under the bridge and the only way I can be happy is when I sleep where nothing else matters.

Basketball is a mind game that needs wits and tactics. For the past three games, I can safely say that I am mentally drained from both analyzing game plays and emotions. While I know that most people will learn from defeat and setbacks, despite how hard I take on them, I know I have to use them to be able gain experience and tuck them under my belt. It may affect my ego and outlook, but a weak person will never be able to get stronger without going through them. It is through this that I was able to stand up and become numb when it comes to relationships and personal agendas, and professional work is something that should not be as hard to implement as well.

Now that I am on an all-time low, there is nothing more to look forward to but up. Surely, dampened spirits and lost causes will lead to regrets, but given the time to be able to regroup my thoughts and continue striving for knowledge may just be in time for the most awaited time of the year when everything around me becomes a joy to watch, and that is the Christmas season. Will I conquer and realize my coaching dreams? Will I ever find out if she really has me somewhere in her heart? Regardless of what fate has in store for me, one thing is for sure, this coming holiday season will be spent joyfully with my family and especially my daughter, Vanessa.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

You Make Me Want to Be A Better Man

With due reference to Mr. Jack Nicholson for his quote in the movie “As Good As It Gets”, I love to keep on saying this to myself, especially when I am around this girl who simply brings fireworks and tranquility whenever we are together. It is quite obvious that I am going nuts over her, and despite my gout problem wherein I have been limping for almost a week now, I still try to shrug it off to be able to see the queen of my dreams. By dreams, this means that this is the only place where I can feel what a true relationship would feel, and how I can show her and take care of her the way I value a woman, tender loving care and affection without bounds.

Funny thing is, this gout dilemma only hurts when I am alone. But once I am with her, nothing else seems to matter. More than just magic, I take comfort in talking to her and sharing a few laughs. That is about it. The girl is with someone else and I am in no way going to instigate the fire for them to separate for my own selfish reasons. Love is not being with the person, it is about seeing her happy. Many would clearly view this act as a sorry act, but I tend to disagree. People who are together but often quarrel and argue about issues that often lead to misunderstandings, my case is totally different. I do not want to assume nor conclude, but overall, where we are now is practically a satisfying point of companionship. Whenever she would need me, I would not hesitate to comply, and most of the time she would just be surprised at how I would oblige even if I had things to do, or am coming from a distant place. I simply reply “Because this is the only time I can be with you. You know how much I look forward to being with you so don’t take it away from me.” She would then keep quiet and pout a while, something I love to see since it makes her cute to my eyes.

One thing that I always want to do, is to have her worry-free. All smiles and comfortable is what I want to see from her when we are together. At the age of 36, we are both in the twilight of our lives and unlike in the yuppie years, life is totally different. We have jobs, priorities and ironically, daughters to look after. The only difference is that she has someone now, who curiously is not around all the time. There are times I would ask what she would be doing on weekends. I find it surprising that most of the time she would just be at home. Weird as it may be for me, I wonder how any guy would not spend time with her the way I would want to.

After telling her how I felt, I admit that I am pleased to see that she never avoided me. It is something I was afraid off and in a way I wonder why. If my intuition serves me correct, it may be what I want it to be. But then again, to jump into conclusions may do more than harm. But then again, I am getting way ahead of our story. Succeeding chapters are yet to be written. Let’s see what the ending holds for me.

A Path that Few Have Chosen…

“I chose the path which only a few have taken, and I am glad I did!” by Natazha Vanessa Yalung, May, 2006

Yes that is my daughter who said that to me last father’s day. Honestly, I was surprised by the notation. Somehow she has inherited some of my poetic and grammatical insights, owing to the fact I guess that she sees her dad typing like crazy on the keyboard from the evening till the early morning. Writing stuff after the usual 8-5 work I hold locally may seem very hectic, but not if you love what you are doing, something that takes the load off. After years of hoping and trying to land 2 jobs at a convenient time allocation, I have so far landed them in Biziki, Candyham, and Essaywriters which complement my daily work with Merlion International Sales, Inc. as their Marketing Director. For this I am thankful to the big Guy upstairs, thank you very much!

Going back, it is true, most people would not choose a path that has no promise and one that has a lot of risks. Most would take the safer route, the one that offers no demise of whatsoever and would just lean on their immediate judgment in knowing what to do. In our case, it is common for a child to go with her mother, but in our case, Vanessa made a big risk, a decision that I wholeheartedly accepted, although the other side still claims I had a lot to do with the decision. Well, the best way is to talk to the source and not to what they chose I guess. Keeping mum and quiet, people around who can compare us would now know why.

I have chosen the path as well, not putting much effort in demanding that I have a relationship, although there are opportunities that arise. One reason is a lot of people do not have a wide understanding of the situation, the immediate perception being that this guy is a player. But then again, take a look closely, if this guy was a player, how come her daughter is with her?

Some girls would prefer single guys. Having a daughter or a son changes the entire complexity of it. Perhaps for them, they would rather get someone who is single which is perfectly alright. There should be no hard feelings and for men who have my situation, expectations should not be set at high levels. It is only natural for girls to do so. They deserve the happiness and freedom owed to them by society.

So where does this lead me? Well, I chose not to really pursue having a partner and to just plainly prioritize my daughter. People would not believe me for sure, being known to always have someone special beside me to be able to strive harder; I took a different perspective now. It is not really about companionship now, but about being a parent and carrying out the things that I had experienced when I was their age and that is to enjoy life to the fullest. I have done my time of being happy and while there are girls here and there, the desire to have someone fit in my mix has been limited, and most of them are my friends. To take it to another level is entirely different, and the demands of the usual relationship are no longer something I am inclined to pursue.

Crazy as it may sound, I often say that I can live till the end of my days alone. I feel at times that I have been trained to take on hard times by myself, something that I really went through even when my former was here. But with my daughter, her presence alone comforts me, something that her mom never did and I presume no one will top. Strange how life goes, but it is in the paths that we choose which separates how most of us are in life, conservative or risk takers.

I have no regrets to the path I chose to, same as my daughter who knows her father better today. For me, I know my responsibility and my priorities. As far as partnership is concerned, it is the least of my worries. Lonely as it may some times, but to live a practical life today, one has to move on and suck it up to take on all the obstacles that life has yet to offer….