I find myself right now in a very confused state. One year ago, I had my eyes on this girl. Typical Filipina, alluring eyes, she has that smile that can make anyone smile back and fall on their knees. She is about to take her final step prior to graduation, something I have finished last year. Not to take anything away from her, she is in a state of panic, same as her other friends, whom I had to chat up with when I passed by the school last Tuesday night. It was a night of intense ranting on how to go about their last hurrah in finally obtaining their MBA title. I asked my self why they are in such a state, when I was calm during my time, even having the time before to attend to other chores as my social responsibility to the kids and my village. Makes me wonder, how was I able to do it?
Anyway, in the same way that I cannot say no, I was in a bind yesterday. My dilemma was her boyfriend was not so fond me of me seeing her, and much as I would cherish being with her, I had to beg off initially, citing problems that may come along the way. I already experienced something like this in my past marriage life, and to make a wrong thing right, I would want to avoid doing it to somebody else, even if I hated his guts so much. It would be foolish for me to admit that I don’t have feelings for her anymore. I still do. I had moments of telling her that. Had all the right opportunities. I just couldn’t find the right time and spoil the evening.
I met up with her yesterday, showed her the initial drafts. We were together for about 5 hours, discussing her problem and personal issues as well as history between our lives. For one reason or another, she kept on asking me if I really didn’t want to be her guide. What was I to do? Here is someone, whom I couldn’t say no, and yet I am in the thin line of agreeing and turning back. After much discussion, I agreed to help her but I still have doubts on whether Mr. Perfect would intervene. I also need to help someone else, someone I courted before, but my emphasis will be on the first one, since she asked me first and well, I could see she will really need my help. I do not look at the output of this as long as I can lend a helping hand. Whatever outcome, maybe in a way, I still want to help her, but the most important thing is to be with her, probably for the last time.
For what’s it worth, it will be more of an honor for me to serve her, spend time with her. Whether she feels the same way, I will never know. But just the same, regardless of what comes out of it, I will be content seeing her walking down that aisle and receiving her diploma, in the same way I did last year, with only my mother and daughter seeing me shed my tears of joy for a hard earned degree.